When I was a girl of about eight I was such a huge fan of "somebody saaaaave me" helpless female scenarios that my parents were a little concerned. I told myself that I would probably be allowed to date when I reached fifteen (not that I had anybody in mind) and fantasized about what that would be like. In college I made lists, mental and otherwise, of the characteristics of "the perfect man," from his level of spiritual maturity down to his hair color. I believed in one true love and fairy tales and all of that.
Well, as Alanis says, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. By my sophomore year of college the interested "does Suzanne have a boyfriend yet" queries from family members who were amazed at how Suzanne could go a whole year without half the guys on campus falling in love with her stopped trickling through to me. I graduated with only a B.A. and no M.R.S., and there haven't been any close shaves since then, either.
Not that my heart isn't still weak or that the old marriage fantasies don't resurface too frequently. Not that I haven't felt like just "being in love" would be fun, or interesting, etc. But nobody I've ever swooned over has ever done more than glance in my direction--at worst feeding off the flattery of my interest, at best never noticing it. This used to bug me. A lot.
Now, when I'm quiet and listening like I was today, I realize how jealous God is for my heart, mind, and soul. "Life planned out? Here's a plot twist. Like that guy? Here's a girlfriend for him (it's not you). Looking for fulfillment? Here I am."
Because looking for fulfillment in the husband and family I'd envisioned was a hollow lie. Cast as fulfilling in and of themselves, they were idols, and no idol can bear the weight that only God can carry. I wouldn't have been much of a wife, either--you can't surrender yourself to the love of another without first surrendering yourself to the love of God. Unless he is your only hope to protect you, you will constantly be fighting to protect yourself. (This is not to say that nobody who marries before the age of thirty is truly connected to God, or that you can't learn about surrendering to God through the experiences of marriage. This is the way of my walk with him, not yours.)
Over and over again in my life I have pined for shadow men until I've replaced them with other shadow men. All loves remain until they are supplanted by a new love, a greater love. And there is no greater love than the love shown by one who lays down his life for his friends (John 15:13).
He saved me once for all when I was helpless. He could've marked me in the "redeemed" column and moved on, yet through the Spirit he is still there to save me every minute of every day, to remind me of his existence and his love. He has been with me my whole life and promises to be with me always. He is the only perfect man who ever lived, perfect in ways that transcend and transform outward appearance.
He is my one true love, and he is no fairy tale. And my beloved holds my destiny in his hands.
Lead on and come quickly, Lord Jesus.
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