Secret Decoder Ring

Sometimes it seems like the big things in life are coded. There is a right way and a wrong way to do them and nobody tells you which is which until you're out of the running. "Oh, we would've been friends still, but after you said that I knew we couldn't keep it up." "Oh, we would've hired you if you had replaced the word 'helped' on your resume with the word 'assisted.'"

I (surprise, surprise) like to have the answers to codes or they are not fun. Tell me what you want, what you need, and I can be it. I'm about 97% sure of it. I'm also about 99% sure that I can't read your mind. (I try to shut the other 1% up because it usually gets me into trouble.)

I have an interview tomorrow. Part of me recognizes that I wouldn't want to be chosen for my acting skills unless it was for, you know, an acting job. Which it isn't.

The other part of me is digging for the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.

Joss Whedon definitely has his moments....

B: "Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out: who to love...or hate; who to trust. It's just like the more I know, the more confused I get."

G: "I believe that's called growing up."

B: "I'd like to stop, then, okay?"

     

G: "I know the feeling."

B: "Does it ever get easier?"

G: "You mean life?"

B: "Yeah. Does it get easy?"

G: "What do you want me to say?"

B: "Lie to me."

G: "Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after."

B: "Liar."

Buffy and Giles in "Lie to Me" (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Letting Go

No more latching on

grasping, clinging, taking

using you to mask my flaws

fill my heart

  (someone whispers that

   you will leave

   but he is a liar and has been from the beginning)

I'm loving you with open hands

come and go as He wills

as I shall

It's a declaration of intent, not achievement

but the intent is for my hands to snap trap-shut

less and less frequently

and for you to be always free of them

when they do

No wonder the term is Uncle Sam

From the online Michigan unemployment filing instructions: "Please explain in complete and specific detail all the reasons why you did not file for unemployment benefits in the first week you were unemployed. Please provide the details of the incident, including the beginning and ending dates."

Pop-up from the same page after I wrote what I thought was a concise yet thorough explanation: "Too much data in the text box! Please remove 356 characters" (and no, there was no period after the last word).

For the record, the U.S. Government apparently considers 250 characters (including spaces) to be enough room for "complete and specific detail."

I love random personality quizzes....

This was the best LOST personality quiz I've run across. The questions weren't too obvious. Sometimes you get quizzes with questions like: "Have you ever been unable to walk but then were miraculously healed?" And you're like, "Hm, I'll pick this one, maybe I'll be Charlie."

I took the Harry Potter quiz, too, but 95 out of 100 of those tests yield the same response, so I'm not even going to post the results. I will, though, post the results from the "Which Female Action Hero Are You?" quiz. Stay tuned.

Suzanne took the BrainFall.com quiz "Which Lost Character Are You?" and got the result "If I were in Lost, I would be part Sawyer and part Hurley."

You are part Sawyer. Quite the charmer, you can get almost anything you want with a smile. You are well liked and enjoy all the attention you get from others. You are definitely a sweet talker and have no problem finding a date on Saturday night. Although you have a busy social life, you also relish moments spent alone reading. You are fun, cool, and know how to get what you want out of life. 

You are part Hurley. You are everyone's best bud. Full of humor and wit, the people a

round you are always smiling. When someone has a bad day you are the first person they call. You usually keep your own problems hidden away because you don't want to be a downer. You have a lot to offer and are quite intelligent. Sometimes you get frustrated (but would never tell anyone) because people don't think to ask you for your opinion. But basically you're just what you seem- friendly and happy!

Suzanne took the BrainFall.com quiz "Which Female Action Hero Are You?" and got the result "If I were a Female Action Hero, I would be Princess Leia." You are Princess Leia. You are down-to-earth and stick to a rigid sense of ethics. Nerds may lust over you, but everyone looks to you for your grounded logic and intellect.

I want everybody who watches LOST to take the quiz and let me know who you are. I'm assembling a flight.

But about that job....

While I accept that it's good that I haven't been married yet (see previous post), it does mean that despite my childhood wish to be financially supported by somebody else by the time I was thirty, I have to support myself. I don't understand the economy. I don't understand hiring factors, and I don't know the secret words to make myself seem like a desirable commodity. I do not like being a commodity.

I understand the economy more in an agrarian setting. "What, you need tomatoes and you have potatoes you do not need? Why, that is the opposite of my dilemma. Come and we shall make an exchange." "I need to raise a barn and barns need wood. You need clothes and for that you will need animal fibers such as wool. This will work out nicely."

And I? I know no such useful things. I have little to no interest in cooking, even. I can write you stories and sing you songs and urge you to think and make you laugh, but mustn't everybody want to do those things? I feel like the things people should get paid for are the things I would hate, like driving trucks or doing math or being nurses. (Most times I forget that some people actually enjoy those things.)

So. Here is a list of things I enjoy. Maybe somebody out there reading this knows how to turn straw into gold...I mean, strong preferences into marketability. (I hate selling myself. Have I mentioned that?)

• Writing (but not journalism)
• Editing
• Children (but I don't have a degree in education or a desire to go back and get one)
• Reading (silently and out loud)
• Deep conversations
• Human interaction
• Acting/singing/performing of just about any kind
• Directing
• Organizing
• Spreadsheets
• Lists
• Witty banter
• Variety
• Museums
• Birds
• Making things more efficient

Anybody out there with a gift for figuring out what other people should do with what they have? 

Soulmate

As I look for and apply for jobs, I am remembering my career goals for the age of thirty: married to somebody fascinating, mother of several children, supporting my husband and family tactically (e.g. doing the laundry) and emotionally (e.g. "I believe in you, husband/kids"), and writing (always writing figures in somewhere).

When I was a girl of about eight I was such a huge fan of "somebody saaaaave me" helpless female scenarios that my parents were a little concerned. I told myself that I would probably be allowed to date when I reached fifteen (not that I had anybody in mind) and fantasized about what that would be like. In college I made lists, mental and otherwise, of the characteristics of "the perfect man," from his level of spiritual maturity down to his hair color. I believed in one true love and fairy tales and all of that.

Well, as Alanis says, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. By my sophomore year  of college the interested "does Suzanne have a boyfriend yet" queries from family members who were amazed at how Suzanne could go a whole year without half the guys on campus falling in love with her stopped trickling through to me. I graduated with only a B.A. and no M.R.S., and there haven't been any close shaves since then, either. 

Not that my heart isn't still weak or that the old marriage fantasies don't resurface too frequently. Not that I haven't felt like just "being in love" would be fun, or interesting, etc. But nobody I've ever swooned over has ever done more than glance in my direction--at worst feeding off the flattery of my interest, at best never noticing it. This used to bug me. A lot. 

Now, when I'm quiet and listening like I was today, I realize how jealous God is for my heart, mind, and soul. "Life planned out? Here's a plot twist. Like that guy? Here's a girlfriend for him (it's not you). Looking for fulfillment? Here I am."

Because looking for fulfillment in the husband and family I'd envisioned was a hollow lie. Cast as fulfilling in and of themselves, they were idols, and no idol can bear the weight that only God can carry. I wouldn't have been much of a wife, either--you can't surrender yourself to the love of another without first surrendering yourself to the love of God. Unless he is your only hope to protect you, you will constantly be fighting to protect yourself. (This is not to say that nobody who marries before the age of thirty is truly connected to God, or that you can't learn about surrendering to God through the experiences of marriage. This is the way of my walk with him, not yours.)

Over and over again in my life I have pined for shadow men until I've replaced them with other shadow men. All loves remain until they are supplanted by a new love, a greater love. And there is no greater love than the love shown by one who lays down his life for his friends (John 15:13).

He saved me once for all when I was helpless. He could've marked me in the "redeemed" column and moved on, yet through the Spirit he is still there to save me every minute of every day, to remind me of his existence and his love. He has been with me my whole life and promises to be with me always. He is the only perfect man who ever lived, perfect in ways that transcend and transform outward appearance.

He is my one true love, and he is no fairy tale. And my beloved holds my destiny in his hands.

Lead on and come quickly, Lord Jesus.

A Quote

I love this book I am quoting from so much for being hugely challenging in such a helpfully Christ-centered way. I've been getting angsty over my place in the world when my little brother is married and the next wave of marriages are for people almost ten years younger than I am, etc., etc., whine, whine, you've read about it here on this blog before. Anyway, I figured it was time to re-read this book, and I was right. Way to serve up the perspective, Professor Smit.

I'm posting this particular quote because it resonates with thoughts I've tried to express in the past and haven't been able to find the right words for on my own. 

"Other relationships--such as those between children and parents or creatures and Creator--may legitimately begin with need, but they must not end there. If we really love our parents, we will eventually value them for themselves, not just for what they give us or do for us. If we really love God, we will eventually praise him for who he is, not just for what we can get from him. Ultimately, with all love--not just romantic love--we must see and value another person as a person, not just as one who meets our needs. We must interact with others as independent people who are ends in themselves, not means to the gratification of our needs. One woman told of her experience with a dating service. She ultimately decided it was a bad way to meet people because there was no context, because the person was being used as a means to dating. A dating relationship ought to emerge out of a relationship with a person."

-- from Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love, by Laura A. Smit

About Roommates

Sometimes I miss having a roommate. The idea is scary on many levels, considering my behavior towards some past roommates, the strain I sometimes feel even when spending long periods of time with family, and my hatred of moving. 

Back when I first moved to my current apartment, in October of 2001, my boss said, "You're screwing yourself over by living alone...if you ever get married, you'll be thinking 'What's that person doing in my space?'" He's right, not just about getting married but about sharing space with anybody. As my pastor once said, "When you live alone, you become more and more like yourself"--and not always in good ways. 

I'd be a pretty particular roommate. I don't mind a mess as long as it's mine. I don't mind company except when I want alone time. I don't mind cats or dogs as long as they aren't living with me. My current roommate, while beautiful, is also loud, jealous, spoiled, and sometimes violent, and he and I are a package deal.

So there are a lot of obstacles to me having a roommate. But then I remember high points, like dancing around the living room to Enya (and to the great amusement of our neighbor across the courtyard), or talking about anything at any time, or having somebody know and care where I was (some because of the posted schedules and some because they memorized them), or having somebody tell me when I was being a jerk and realizing after half an hour or so of pouting that she was right, or hearing the downpour outside and having somebody right there who also wanted to go run around in the parking lot.

Those parts I wouldn't mind having again someday.

Knowing as we are known

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." (I Corinthians 13:12)

I heard something rather terrifying yesterday. Something along the lines that women think they're complicated, but no woman is, because men know what they're thinking. Based on my own experience, I strongly doubt the universal veracity of the statement. But what if....

I don't know me all the way through, let alone have more than a working knowledge (sometimes no more than working suspicion) of anybody else. To me it is comforting to know that God knows me, that He can sort out all of the confusion swirling around inside of me so often, that He knows even the darkest parts of me and that Jesus covers those parts so they aren't a cause for shame.

If I didn't know that, I think the second best thing would be to know that if God saw the evil in me it would be judged, and that when the devil sees it he is after it. Because stranger than either the thought of God's forgiving love or His judgment, worse even than the devil's condemnation, is to be seen and known and dismissed. 

It's what I do. It's what you do. Every time we hear a cry for help, no matter how subtle, and turn the other way. Every time getting involved is somebody's life is a large time investment that we avoid. Every time I turn the TV louder instead of making a phone call, or writing a letter, or sparing a thought for another person on the whole planet besides myself.

So I hope it's not true, that people know more than they let on, but I fear it might be true, even just a little bit. And I can't think of anything more horrible than that somebody, myself included, might really see, really know...and just not care.

"If I have...all knowledge...but do not have love, I am nothing." (I Corinthians 13:2)

Not Easy

I am so sick of that phrase, of hearing it or seeing it lurk unspoken in someone's eyes. It's not easy to get a job. It's not easy to get into a field you like. It's not easy to do this, or that, or anything. When did this become news, anyway? Who ever thought life was easy?

I've lived "easy" for years, and I've felt increasingly ill at ease in spirit over it. I'm so tired of digging holes in the ground instead of investing what I've been given. I'm tired of wrapping self-sabotage and self-doubt around me like armor, because it's tin foil armor that protects from nothing, nothing at all.

If my only two choices really are spectacular failure or safe hiding, I want to go down blazing.

Let's Play Pretend

When Jeremiah and I were growing up, we were always playing pretend. Whether it was enacting scenarios with our action figures or having conversations as if we were members of the Ghostbusters (I was usually Venkman, he was usually Ray) or playing superheroes, I don't remember a day of my life growing up in which some playing pretend didn't feature.

This is what I love about theatre: the interaction of writer and actor, actor and actor, actor and audience, etc., etc. 

This is what I love about repartee: the verbal fencing match, the improvisational dance.

This is what I love about children: a suggestion like "you're a dog and I'm going to 'throw' this plate like it's a Frisbee" can be met by an enthusiastic response instead of a fake mature roll of the eyes.

I love playing.

Today I was a grown-up, discussing coupon clipping and ways of saving money like I knew what that was for more than one person. And I was a fun tomboyish big cousinly figure, twirling kids and chasing them and tossing them around. And for a moment I was Storm, summoning the winds. And all of these were play, in one way or another.

With my brother far away now, I'm always keeping my eye out for other people to play with. How do you like to play pretend? 

Doing Hard Things

I haven't had to do anything difficult, not really. 

School was easy. College was easy. I could and did get good grades without always putting my whole self into my work. 

I got all of my jobs except for one through temp agencies, and the one job I didn't get through a temp agency was offered to me by the employer, so applying was simply a formality.

I've never risked anything I was afraid of losing. I have rarely put myself on the line without a guarantee on the other side.

Guess I'm kind of a spoiled brat in a lot of ways. Guess this is as good a time as any to start getting my hands dirty.

Temptations

I am already seeing some of the temptations I will be up against in this season of unemployment.

• Moving from strong frugality to outright miserliness.
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• Accepting every request to join something or help with something that meets during the day.
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• Hyper-over-analyzing every job-related move I make: is this a good one to apply for? is it settling? what is that sinking feeling inside of me and should I trust it or move past it? what's the secret code I have to break on my resume or in my cover letter or in how I present myself that even gets me in the door?
• 
  
• Telling myself that I'm not all that special, that other people deserve to be hired more than I do, and that just as I was horrible at auditioning (a.k.a. only got cast twice) I will be horrible at interviewing.
• 
  
• Telling myself that my dreams of supporting myself financially through doing anything that I love are stupidly, childishly unattainable. No matter how much an increase in both deep-seated yearning and outside corroboration tell me that I should at least take a chance.
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• Settling back into miserable because I know the shape of it and so it feels safer. 
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• Allowing self-pity, less over being laid off from this job than over not having people to connect with during the day just by turning around.

Please pray. (And a cheery hello now and then wouldn't go amiss, either.)

Warning

If you're single and just got laid off and attend a missions conference, at least four people will tell you that you should probably go to China and help the missionaries there. This will be like how people have told you for years, "So-and-so just started coming to church here and he/she is single." (Quote from Tim Tjapkes when I voiced this yesterday: "You're single, and I'm single, so you see we have something in common. I was kind of afraid that once we got married we would have nothing else in common, but then it occurred to me that we would both be married, so it still works.")

I think God wants you to do hard things, no question. But I think He also puts a spark of desire somewhere in your heart when those hard things involve major life commitments. Maybe I just haven't had enough of my youthful idealism beaten out of me.

Oh, well. At least people didn't combine the missionary and marriage thing and tell me I should move to Chicago for the unmarried missionary who spoke. I was actually bracing myself for that.

Things to remember

• No, yesterday was not Saturday. No, today is not Saturday, either. Tomorrow is Saturday for real. Next is Sunday. And the next day will not be Saturday, even though I still won't be driving to work (this is the longest amount of time I've spent at my apartment without being sick).
  
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• A day does not naturally break into segments from 6:30-8 (pre-work), 8-12 (morning at work), 12-1 (lunch break), 1-5 (afternoon at work), and 5:00-10:30 (post-work).
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• By the way, work is not just something you get paid for or someplace you go, it's an attitude and a state of living. I don't have a paying job, but I am not out of work in anything beyond an idiomatic sense.
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• Life is more than food, the body is more than clothing, and existence both encompasses and rises above what you do. For over seven years I organized and streamlined and now all that is not just behind me, it will be leaving the place where I took care of it. The people who bought that division have their own systems and probably don't want my handy spreadsheets or hand-written labels. The value in those years is to be found both in and beyond the physical work, and right now I'm thinking it has more to do with how people were affected than how wallcovering shipped (although the two connected).
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It's a Wonderful Life

Being laid off feels a little like being in the last scene of It's a Wonderful Life, the one in which [spoiler alert] George Bailey's friends all rally around him and tell him how much he means to them and offer to help him any way they can. The first person I passed on the way in stopped me to tell me he was sorry I was leaving and that he appreciated everything I'd done and that I could use him as a reference. I had four other people volunteer themselves as references. I had emails and phone calls from co-workers who were saying nice things and asking if they could do anything and reassuring me that the past eight years of my life hadn't been a total waste. And when I accessed my personal email I had a whole slew of emails from people praying for me and offering assistance.

People keep saying they're sorry, which is kind of them. I will miss the paycheck, and I will miss the people more. But I won't miss that job. I won't miss the actual work involved (except in a glancing way...sometimes filing samples was mindlessly relaxing), and I won't miss the politics, and I won't miss the anxiety hovering over and around and in it.

For the past several months, I've had a growing desire to trust God more, to lay aside the restlessness of wondering what would happen, to be willing to take risks knowing that He is taking care of me. It was something that came to me strongly in October, as evidenced by this blog post from last November. I've been praying for complete trust, and I was telling my dad yesterday morning that I've noticed God tends to take those prayers seriously. He laughed, "And why do you think you even wanted to pray that way?" That floored me. God has been preparing my heart for this very situation before the potential loss of my job was even a fully-formed concern in my mind.

So here I am, God. I don't know what happens next, but I know you've been working it out. I'm rejoicing at the opportunity to lean hard on You and just beginning to understand for real that sometimes that means leaning on people, too (thank you for Your timing on the car problems).

I'm excited to see what's coming.

Half a step ahead

This afternoon I learned that tomorrow is my last day at the job where I've worked pretty much since college.

I am free.

Free is scary sometimes.

Speaking of free, I will be accepting all free meal offers. (Some things in life stay the same.)

Small problems or big God

When I'm feeling down about my life, when I'm missing people or losing my grip or feeling like I'm about to explode, I tell myself that I have no good reason for any of those things. My problems are small. Most often I am missing people because they are moving on in happy ways for them, and it's selfish to want them to keep coming back for me if we're on different paths. I am losing my grip because my faith is weak, and I can't see the forest for the trees. I am feeling about to explode because I am shallow and petty and out of control.

Other people have family members die or leave them (oh, and the only grieving that counts is grieving for a husband, a sister, a daughter, a mother...granddaughters and cousins and nieces don't have grief worth speaking of). Other people have cancer or heart disease or chronic pain from celiac or chronic fatigue syndrome or any number of things. Other people have lost their jobs, and they have large families to support so they really need jobs.

I've framed it as a question of perspective, and it is. But last night it occurred to me that it isn't perspective in the way I've framed it, the perspective of my problems vs. those of other people. It's my problems vs. God.

Is God really so small that He only has time for 'big' problems? Is He running around up in heaven barely able to handle all the cancer patients and unemployed fathers and grieving widows? Or does He know and care when a sparrow lands, and promise His children are worth far more to Him than birds?

On February 26, I took my car in for routine maintenance and heard that I needed more extensive repairs than I'd planned for. A lot more expensive. I was feeling very, very sorry for myself, and very poor. And then the next day I received an anonymous gift of money in the mail, with a note that said the sender had been feeling for several days as though this was something that God wanted done. And then my co-worker's brother-in-law looked at the car and said he could fix it for about 50% less than the original quote, and found a transmission fluid leak while he was at it that was caused by the way the routine maintenance was done and could have caused much greater damage if left undetected. And then I had to rely on other people for rides and got to spend quality time with them because of it and got to peek under the dark edge of my independence.

I don't know what is happening tomorrow. I barely know what is happening today. I can't see more than half a step ahead of me, and I hate that, but even through tears I know it's so good for me, because all I can do is hold my Father's hand tight, and look behind me, and see the points of illumination like the one burning around the recent service needs of my car, of all things.

Even though I can't see the path ahead, I know I walk in the light of the God who is there. And all problems, whatever their size, might turn to blazes of glory in the blink of an eye.

out of the bleakness
a flash
a fluttering
anxiety on all sides
deep down hope
strains
rises
pushes past the dark
dances
with the fear
it meets halfway
life, like love,
ever a surprise

Great Proficients

both of us sure

if it weren’t for the people we’d seen

mess it up

if it weren’t for the mess we knew

we could make on our own

if not for those and other

little reasons

if we’d chosen

if we’d wanted

we’d have been there by now

supremely confident

under cover of darkness

overnight

all the ifs boiled down to

if we weren’t so afraid

and can you get an if

much bigger than that

In a Relationship / It's Complicated

For those of you who don't know, the title of this post lists two options under "Relationship Status" in a Facebook profile. If you're Single or Married, everybody probably already knew that. If you're Engaged, people probably knew you were headed in that way. (And I've never seen anybody use the "In an Open Relationship" status. I'm not sure what that even means. "I'm dating fairly steadily but don't worry, I feel okay with dropping him/her at any time if you call me"?) So if you want to create a sensation, your best bet is to change your status to "In a Relationship" or "It's Complicated." 

I've seen this happen multiple times, and I'm always a little surprised by how many people go for it. I've thought about changing my Facebook status to "lonely and bored and need vaildation: please comment on this status," but haven't done it so far. Probably still wouldn't get as much buzz as I would changing my relationship status for the comments, even if the two meant the same thing.

When I first signed up for Facebook, I listed my relationship status as "It's Complicated." I live with a bird who seems pretty sure that I belong to him and who doesn't want to share, so it fit. After I started getting  questions on what that meant, and especially after one of my cousins went to her sister to find out about this mysterious person with whom it was apparently complicated, I blanked out the status.

Realistically, my status should read "In a Relationship," because I am in relationship with every person I interact with--friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, teacher, employee, co-worker, pseudo-aunt, random acquaintance, etc. But "It's Complicated" would be appropriate, too, because life is complicated and so are relationships. 

I protest being defined by whether or not I'm dating/married/whatever, and I hope that's not for some angsty reason. I hope it is (and/or becomes more and more) for my stated reason. To paraphrase Paul: in Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, single nor married. When I draw dividing lines, I don't want them to be based on something as small as relationship status.

Especially the Facebook version.