A Hiatus of a Different Sort, and a Stepping Back

I have company coming up for the long weekend, so I'll be on blogging hiatus again. When I return, I've decided I am going to ease back on the blogging and focus on other writing in the "off" days....both because I am feeling the need to do other writing (the foremost in my mind being a Psych fanfic this time, not another play just yet) and because I am feeling the need to do less blogging. 

It's kind of dangerous to blog every day. I start feeling like people out there really care what I'm talking about (which some of you certainly do), and yet also like I'm talking to myself (which I'm certainly not). I read some posts from an older blog last night and it was...painful. Seriously, nobody needs to get that much information about me without having to talk to me. Hence the search for a happy medium. I'm aiming for no less than two posts a week, but not necessarily seven. I mention this for the sake of my own motivation.

Speaking of motivation, I am going to do a little bit of cleaning now. I have been putting it off for two hours.

Enjoy your long weekend, everyone!

A little overwhelmed just now

I have homework. This is exciting because 1) it's for publicity for the play I wrote and 2) homework is something I generally enjoy.

It is throwing me off, however, in that it's write-about-yourself homework. You are probably wondering how this is difficult when I've been blogging just about every day for a month and a half. So am I, kind of. But this writing is of the "what have you been up to" variety. 

On the written homework list (I also need a headshot and am hoping that the deadline is far enough out that Brittany will be able to do it):

1) Approximately 500-800 words on what I've been up to since Calvin, especially as it relates to theatre.

2) Advice to current theatre students.

3) A bio of 40 words or less for the program.

4) A summary of my play in one or two sentences.

5) One quirky thing about me.

I think I'll do this homework tomorrow after getting more sleep than I did last night, because this is going to be hard. I mean, seriously, how can I narrow my quirkiness down to one thing? Anybody have any suggestions?

The Purpose of a Blogging Hiatus

 Remember when I took a blogging hiatus a few weeks back? 

I had started a play quite some time ago and it had been languishing in my electronic files, waiting for the right combination of inspiration and motivation so I could finish it. And then along came notice of the Calvin Theatre Company's 10 Minute Play Festival, a notice that came with a one week deadline (the deadline was slightly flexible, but if I allow myself to think that way about deadlines they are far less motivating). 

ANYWAY, I finished the play.

And submitted it.

And it was selected.

And I am so very excited and happy and I haven't been this much of either since I don't know when, and there is nobody here but Apollo and he doesn't want to jump around the room like an idiot with me, so I'm blogging out to you, loyal and casual and first-time readers, known and unknown. Celebrate with me! Pass around the virtual ice cream!

The play is called "The Cloud Watchers" and will be performed at Calvin College on Friday, October 3 and Saturday, October 4. It will be my first written work to be performed outside of a Harvest youth group setting. 

AAAAHHHHH!!!! [/scream of girlish excitement]

Wild Geese, I love you so much more than usual right now. ;)

*Cue Wicked Witch theme music*

Tonight Trudy and I rode our bikes to book club and back. There is something about both physical exertion and intellectually stimulating socialization that makes me feel alive in a way that simply sitting at a computer does not. A pair of bike rides bookending...well, bookending book club was a lovely way to spend the evening. Rather especially so since we were discussing Cranford, a book by a woman about a society comprised nearly exclusively of women. All around, I feel very empowered tonight. (Not that I am anti-men. My neighbor held both doors open for me as I wrestled my bike upstairs, which is actually a very Cranford-esque good reason to have a man around.)

As for the title of this post...we raced the darkness home, and I challenge anyone who has ever seen The Wizard of Oz to ride a bike at breakneck pace and not play this theme song in your head.

You don't know me...and maybe also you do

This morning I was part of a conversation on the value of Facebook, and whether it helps or hinders relationships. A friend of mine said she hated the shallowness of it, the lack of truly meaningful interaction, the ease with which time can be wasted. I have a Facebook account myself, but I agree with her, and while I don't think those problems are unique to the internet, I think they are definitely exacerbated online. (Isn't "exacerbated" a great word?)

Also this morning, my church grandma Rosemary said she is enjoying reading my blog, that she feels she is getting to know me more and more because of it. She said she doesn't want to comment because she doesn't want everyone to be able to see what she writes.

At first I was looking at these as purely internet-related issues, but the more they simmer in my mind, the more they clarify into issues of exposure. No matter what the avenue, from the stage to the internet to the living room, those who present themselves before us will be seen as people we know.

We were created to exist in relationship. We were created for openness and depth. Now, twisted and fallen, we walk the line between perceiving what does not exist and denying what does.

What do I mean? Let me try to explain by a few examples:

• I appreciate the writing of Andrée Seu, a columnist for WORLD magazine. She makes me think and challenges my faith in encouraging ways. Do I know her?
• 
  
• I greatly enjoyed Calvin's improvisational comedy team. I attended their shows regularly and laughed over the jokes with friends later. I even had a few classes with some of the members of the team. Did I know them?
• 
  
• I have heard my pastor preach hundreds of times since I joined Harvest. I have been in smaller classes under his leadership. I have attended church picnics where he was present. Do I know him? 
• 
  
• I was homeschooled. I spent nearly all day, every day, in the company of my mother and brother. I talked to them on the phone frequently when I was in college and more frequently afterwards. Do I know them?

To all of the above, the answer is the same: "Yes and no." I knew the part of themselves they chose to reveal to me, whether or not it was in a public forum. Even then, I only knew what they were showing in the moment, not the totality of their experiences. Knowledge, but incomplete knowledge.

One more example: I live in my own head. Much as it is a constant struggle for me to understand those outside of me, it can be as much of a struggle to understand myself. Do I really believe what I say I believe? Am I living honestly? Do I know myself? Yes and no.

The danger we all face is the danger of assumption. We assume we know people, that our relationships are solid, that we don't need to put any more effort into them. We assume everything on the surface is all we need to know, and maybe sometimes that is enough. But maybe sometimes we want to be read. And always, always, we desire someone who desires to know us. We don't want to spill our hearts and lives into the void. We want someone to catch us...to want to catch us.

It's a desire that's either doomed to be unfulfilled or destined to be fulfilled beyond all we could ask or imagine. "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I also have been fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

For now, incomplete knowledge and imperfect relationships are all we have.

For now.

So would it be desperate...

...to link this post over to one of my fanfics just because I'm brain-dead with the combination of low amounts of sleep and a cloudy rainy day and because I don't want to use a reserve post today? 

Okay, how about just because it contains the line I quote more frequently to myself in my head than just about anything I've ever written anywhere?

Okay, how about just because? 

I will return to my regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow.

Squirrelly

I hoard food.

I will buy cans of soup, or mixes from those Tastefully Simple parties, or fruit, and will be so pleased at having it that I will not actually eat it. If I ate it, I wouldn't have it anymore. See the logic? Well, me neither, I guess.

If it's something I am excited about, like leftover pizza or half a wrap sandwich, I don't like to bring it to work. I don't want excitement-worthy food like restaurant leftovers to mix with boring-worthy eating areas like my workstation. I want to enjoy this food while sitting on my couch, or in one of my two dearly loved dining room chairs.

I am trying to kick the habit of squirrelling away food for an unspecified later date. I am trying to buy what I will eat, and to eat what I buy soon after I buy it. I'm trying to wash off vegetables and fruit right away so I don't put it off for two weeks and then find them decomposing in my fridge.

My goal: that someday in the fairly near future I won't own any food past its expiration date, because I am properly managing my hunger expectations.

Meanwhile, yes, I have finished using that soy milk that was "best by" last March.

Internet Friends and Other Methods of Classification

One of my friends is very up front about the fact that he classifies his friends. He will tell you to your face that you are a level 4 friend, or whatever. I'm not sure how solid the classification methodology is, and actually "methodology" might be a strong word considering the source, but the basic principle is there.

At a conference I attended a few years back, there was an exercise in which we moved from one person to the next in line and voted them on what was essentially a scale of 1-4, with 1 being equivalent to "I don't even want to talk to you" and 4 being more like "I want to be best friends." Considering we were doing this publicly, everybody was voting other people in at 3s or 4s, but meanwhile the conference leader was saying, "This is what you do every day."

I hate this. I hate being classified on a friendship ladder. I hate that we can't all just be friends. What I hate most is that the conference leader was right. We're ascending and descending relationship ladders all our lives. And I have classifications, too. They're just not numerical because one of my most constant relationships is my uneasy relationship with numbers. 

I don't rush into friendships, and my hesitance comes through verbally. Words are important, and I don't throw around the word "friend" about everyone I ever meet. The progression goes something like this. 

The Pre-Friend

When this person comes up in conversation, she is referred to as "someone I know" or maybe, if she's hovering on friend status, "an acquaintance of mine." Generally I haven't known her long, or maybe have known her but not spent much quality time with her. Sometimes I use this phrase because I'm not interested in knowing her any more and am cutting off friend potential, but usually there is a good chance of upward mobility. After all, to refer to her as "someone I know" means I'm talking about her when she's not around, and usually that involves some friend interest.

The Qualified Friend

This is the most basic level of friendship. This is where the word "friend" first comes into play, and there may be a few gradations in the qualification. For example, Jen started out as "Lisa's friend Jen," then became "my book club friend Jen," and then finally graduated all the way to "my friend Jen." If you only interact with somebody in one arena of your life, that person is a qualified friend.

The Internet Friend

This isn't a level of progression, but it's such a specialized form of qualified friend that it needed its own heading. There are two main types of internet friend. The Solely Internet Friend is easy to deal with. Problems may arise, however, with the Primarily Internet Friend, who is a person you see in real life. A Primarily Internet Friend is often confused with a real life friend of some other category. You may have friends you talk to via the internet who do not fall into either of these categories, in which case the internet is a tool to further your relationship, not the main vehicle for the relationship. I repeat, do not be confused into thinking that because you talk a lot online you must necessarily be A-List friends (we'll get to this one). You may really just be casual friends.

The Casual Friend

Otherwise known as the "Oh, there you are" or "While you're here" friend, the casual friend is somebody who is fun to hang out with when she's right in front of your face, but not somebody you'd go out of your way to hang out with. You do not make plans with casual friends, unless they're of the sweeping group invitation variety. If a casual friend invites you somewhere, you ask who else is going to be there before you make your decision. You would never go just to see this person, but she's okay in crowds.

The Fallback Friend

Sometimes your A-List friends (almost there) are busy, but you are still feeling social. The fallback friend is someone you hang out with at these times. You like them, they just haven't made it all the way into the A-List. This could be a transitional stage or one that you end up staying in, whether because of a disparity in social circles or because your paths don't cross naturally all that often. Again, you like these people, they just wouldn't be the first ones you call if something big and important happened in your life.

The A-List Friend

These are the friends you have standing plans with, the ones you see every week and start missing if it's been longer, the ones you could spend time with four or five evenings in a row and still feel ready to say "yes" if they ask you to do something tomorrow night, too. You've seen each other at your best and worst times and love each other through all of them. You can talk about everything or nothing. You can sit companionably without needing to talk, because you don't need to fill an uncomfortable silence if silence isn't uncomfortable. You can disagree (sometimes passionately) and then be joking around the next minute. These are the people who encourage you the most.

The Trump Card Friend

If an A-List friend moves away, she becomes a Trump Card friend, a friend you would rearrange plans for if she were to suddenly be in your neighborhood. Generally Trump Card friends don't mix well with other friends without concerted effort, because there is a lot of history there that is hard to translate for people who haven't known you as long or in the same ways.

Like I said, people move up and down the friendship ladder. It's not always solid. I wish any two participants in a friendship were always on the same rung. I wish I never lost contact with anyone I ever cared about. I wish I had time to be friends at a deep level with all of the people I've met who I feel a spark of friendship with...I can think of so many people right now who I enjoy very much but don't spend much time with at all. I'm grateful for the time we had and the time we have.

One of the things I'm looking forward to about heaven is having an infinite amount of time to become friends (or better friends) with people. I guess I don't know if that's really a part of heaven, but from all the "one anothers" of Scripture it seems it would be God-glorifying to sit down and share the stories of our lives with each other. As a matter of fact, I think it already is.

I'm grateful for all of you who have shared your lives with me. No matter what friend ranks we attained.

Good good-byes

Tonight I said good-bye to my friends Abby and Ryan, who will be moving pretty far away for the foreseeable future (the foreseeable future being two years). I thought I was prepped for this, but on my drive home the good-bye sadness hit me. 

I'm glad that good-bye doesn't feel natural, because it isn't. We weren't made for separation; in fact, that's the opposite of what we were made to experience. 

I'm glad that this good-bye is bittersweet, and that the sweetness comes from parting on good terms, with no regrets and nothing standing between us.

Most of all, I'm glad that all good-byes between these friends and I are only temporary, no matter what happens.

I'm sad, too. But it's a sadness with joy undergirding it.

Et tu, MacGyver?

When you're a kid, you don't notice everything they put in TV shows. As I remember MacGyver, it was about a clever, laid-back, quick-thinking guy who could figure his way out of any tight spot using whatever was at hand. Many is the time I myself have been inspired by MacGyver to look for unconventional solutions to practical problems.

Watching MacGyver again now (Jeremiah and I bought some seasons for my parents' birthdays, because these are the sorts of gifts we buy in my family), I notice something else, something a young friend of mine at church noticed before I did: "In every episode, he fixes things, and at the end he kisses the girl."

Alas, it's true. MacGyver turns out to be quite the ladies' man. He doesn't come on James Bond strong (don't even get me started on James Bond), but he does throw out really corny lines and grins at the women like they're something special. It's kind of hard to believe they really are, both because there's a new one every week and because nobody in the 1980s was as good-looking as they thought they were, but the women go for it. Most times they are the ones asking him to kiss them, or making the first physical move, and MacGyver just responds with a polite "aw, shucks" demeanor that almost makes you forget, again, that this happens EVERY EPISODE.

Top ten signs that MacGyver was not written by women, you say? Possibly true. But still kind of disappointing.

Peaks and Valleys

It is incredible how much better about life I feel when I get enough sleep. This weekend, for example, was mostly amazing. I got about eight hours of sleep each night, and I think that helped a lot.

Last night I was tossing and turning for a while and then awake for an hour in the middle of the night because I couldn't handle the humidity. Today I am feeling...not amazing.

Sleeplessness greatly impairs my perspective. I forget who I really am and where I really stand and start to define myself by societal labels and the imagined opinions of others. I feel all of my flaws more keenly and every thoughtless word heard or remembered cuts deeper than usual.

Thank God that today I have not been lashing out at other people. More and more, I would choose to cry at my desk instead of guarding myself with anger (a false protection and one more thing to regret later). Not that I did more than almost tear up at my desk today. Once I was out of the building, of course, it was another story. Considering I was praying for protection at work, it's interesting that I started crying almost as soon as I left the building. Thanks for holding that back until then, God.

Here are some things I was/am fighting to remember today:

I am more than a census statistic.

I am more than what I appear to be.

I am more than my feelings.

I am more than my thoughts.

I am more than any definitions imposed by others, even those who love me.

I am more than this moment, this day, this year, this lifetime.

I am more becoming less for the sake of something and someone who is.

I AM is watching over me.

Coincidence? Absolutely not.

A long time ago I starting work on a play that I never finished. It was very much a "someday I'll get around to this" sort of project, but I didn't have sufficient self-motivation to complete it.

Until this week, when a friend of mine asked if I had anything to submit for consideration in an upcoming performance of short plays by Calvin grads.

Which led me to research on the time of the Exodus, then more specifically to the craftsmanship in that era.

Which led me to the passage on the tabernacle.

Which also contains a beautiful story of how the Israelites had to be stopped from bringing their gifts for the construction of the tabernacle, because they were bringing too much.

And this morning in the meeting on our church's very low general fund balance, this is the story I felt compelled to share when somebody asked "How do we live with a giving spirit?" (We remember we were slaves, and now we are free, and we give in celebration of that fact.)

Meanwhile, in the same week I was reading about the tabernacle, a couple who doesn't even attend our church made out a check for $20,000 to be put towards our general fund, an amount that matched almost identically with the worst-case scenario end-of-year deficit number the church leadership had forecasted.

I was shaking and in tears by the end of the meeting this morning, in sheer awe of this God who created time itself and still times things so exactly in our lives. 

What plans are in motion at this very moment?

Get Smart about Shopping

Last night I went into the Barnes & Noble DVD section. I know what you're thinking: "What, a savvy shopper like Suzanne looking at DVDs in a bookstore?" I had made the mistake of looking at their online site after they sent me a sale notice, and I had seen that they featured the first season of Get Smart for only $0.50 more than the Amazon.com price. I had also received a 15% off coupon of theirs via email.

This was the plan: to go into the store, see if the price was low enough that by combining it with the coupon it would be cheaper than buying from Amazon sometime in the future, and make my decision from there.

What actually happened was that I made a classic hunter mistake: forgetting the territory. (It isn't just salesmen who gotta know it.) I sped into that DVD section with purpose. I didn't browse. This allowed me to fall victim to the Shopping Ambush, which is when you are trying to hunt and suddenly a salesperson appears. Sometimes this is a mere distraction, sometimes it is a complete diversion from your goal.

Last night, I was taken completely off guard. Behind a display one second, face-to-face with a salesperson who had been cleverly disguised as a cashier the next. Before I knew it, I was telling him what I was looking for, being shown to it, and having my purchase rung up...for $2 more than I had planned to spend. (As my fellow hunters are aware, in the game of shopping, every cent counts.) 

Out of my mistake comes this addendum to the hunter advice I've already given you: when in territory dominated by salespeople, you must appear to be browsing. No matter how many years you have been waiting for a TV show to come on on DVD, no matter how sort of jealous you are of your brother getting it first even though he said he wasn't going to, no matter what, you must look as though you are there for no specific reason. Look as though you're waiting for somebody in another location in the store and are just in this section out of extreme boredom. Look standoffish. Look as though you have no money. When the salesperson approaches you, don't make eye contact for more than 5 seconds as you throw a "Thanks, just looking" over your shoulder. 

I was consoled in this blunder by the knowledge that I have indeed been anticipating the DVD release of this show for years now. Also by the fact that when the salesperson showed me where it was, it turned out to be right by the entrance to the section.

"Walked right past it," I said, then chuckled and added, "Missed it by that much."

The cashier/saleman chuckled politely, but I could tell he was really just plotting his next ambush.

Bisy Backson

I'm taking a week's blogging hiatus to work on other forms of writing (specifically, one form).

"See" you soon.

Advice from a Shopping Champion

I don't like shopping, in general. I don't like to spend a lot of time in stores, and I don't like to spend money in them if I can avoid it. I used to get really fidgety in stores when I was younger, waiting for my mom (who is something of a browser) to get on with it. Once, when my dad and I had taken part of the list and headed off on our own, he said: "There are hunters, and there are gatherers. Your mom is a gatherer."

Suddenly I wasn't fidgety just because I was bored. I was a hunter. 

I have developed a fondness for grocery shopping since then. Every trip is a reconnaissance mission, a personal challenge. Grocery shopping has become a personal competition. I'm not much good at racing or volleyball or games involving any kind of math, but I win grocery shopping almost every time I compete. (And yes, you can compete with yourself. I do it all the time.)

Below are the main criteria of a winning shopping trip.

1) Speed: The most important factor. The goal is to get out as quickly as possible. You don't want to stay in that store any longer than necessary.

2) Planning: Stick to your list. You lose extra points for deviating for luxury items like ice cream (which is okay if it is on the list), but you lose points even for something like "milk" that you "just forgot" to write on the list. "Just forgot"?? What do you not understand about reconnaissance?

3) Costs: Meijer receipts have little asterisks next to all of the items on sale. The goal is that these asterisks would appear by every item on your list. (Bonus points if you have coupons for things on sale, especially if you're strategic and buy exactly as many sale items as the coupon covers and no more.)

4) Efficiency: Start at the back of the store and work your way to the front. Points will be lost for every aisle you go down unnecessarily. Extra points lost any time you have to double back.

Perhaps some of you have recently found out that you are hunters. Perhaps some of you are seasoned hunters looking for ways to hone your technique. Perhaps some of you are gatherers just trying to get in on the game. Never fear. I have some helpful hints for you in your quest for the Grocery Gold Medal.

1) Weekly ads: Whether in your newspaper or online, these will tell you what's on sale before you get to the store. This is the most helpful way to build your list.

2) Getting in the zone: If outside distractions like too many people start throwing you off, funny-looking "framing" or "wizard" hand gestures will not only help you re-focus, they will signal to all other shoppers that you are to be avoided.

3) Rapid visual scanning: If you have played video games, you should have this down already, but this means taking in labels and packaging and such without lingering. If Frosted Flakes aren't on your grocery list, it does not matter to you what the giveaway is. Do not be sidetracked.

4) Comfortable shoes and socks: My mom told me not to post the cautionary tale that follows, as people might think I don't know how to dress myself. But I will not let pride stand in the way of improving the shopping experience for the dozens of people who may read this. Last Thursday night, I went shopping in work shoes and socks. My work shoes are less fitted than my athletic shoes, and most of my work socks tend to lose all elasticity as soon as I put them on, which means my socks are constantly trying to slide down into my shoes even when I'm walking around the office. It gets worse when I'm hustling around a store. (For those of you wondering why I don't just buy new socks, please go back and read the first two sentences of this post.) The lesson in this story: wear comfy shoes and socks so you can move more rapidly with less distraction.

There you have it, folks. The secrets of my shopping success. Use them wisely and well.

Caught out again....

You know how sometimes you get really passionate about how some thing or other that you do is not good and you should stop, and then the next day you do exactly what you said you hated doing? Yeah. Today was one of those days.

Go ahead and read my blog post from yesterday and then come back to this one. Ready? Okay.

I talked way too much today. I was mad at all kinds of people/situations, and I talked. Very few of the "Why can't so-and-so give me a break?" and  "This is the problem with that...." and "Wait until you hear what so-and-so did" sorts of questions and comments I had were stopped. I let them keep pouring out.

I am thankful for Peter. Talk about a guy who didn't know when to shut up. He talked big, his verbal filter was missing, and he contradicted Jesus. "Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away," he vowed. (Rashly, of course.) And when Jesus gently prophesied that in fact Peter would deny him three times, Peter asserted, "Even if I have to die with you, I will not deny you."

I wonder what Jesus did then. I wonder if he stared at Peter and thought about how typical it was for Peter to make grand pronouncements and fall flat on his face. I wonder if he changed the subject and moved on with the conversation, knowing that soon enough Peter would have to see himself. Or maybe his heart, heavy as it was with the weight of what was to come, lifted slightly. Because it was so obvious that Peter needed this sacrifice.

I do, too.

Speech Problems

"For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so." (James 3:7-10)

This year I've been under a lot of stress, from one quarter or another. I've felt unappreciated and invisible, abused and neglected. Whether or not I have been isn't really the subject of this post. This post is about how I handle it.

I talk too much. I tell people things that are none of their business. Not in just an internet forum way. Here I work on distilling my thoughts, on sharing what's going on with me in the hope that somebody might benefit from some of it. No, I mean the sort of way in which you start talking about personal things to people you barely know, and the voice saying, "Why should they care?" in the back of your head is probably not a self-deprecating question, but a legitimate one.

I'm verbally fierce. For instance, I work customer service. All too often, people on the other side of a phone or a computer connection get called out...well, called out to other co-workers, anyway. Everyone is going to know that it wasn't MY fault that such-and-such didn't happen, because so-and-so was incompetent. My knee-jerk reaction certainly isn't grace, that's for sure.

My mom says I should learn to speak the above sorts of thoughts to God instead of spouting them off to anybody who would listen. I agree, but from past experience I'm a little afraid of taking them solely to God. (See my post from July 16 on subtle idolatry.) My quandary, then, is this: When does explanation cross over into complaining? When does a prayer request become gossip? How much do I need to say before it becomes self-justifying?

It seems many of the answers lie in self-sacrifice, in seeking to elevate others above myself, in trusting that God has my back even if nobody else knows the trouble I've seen.

I can see why so many people in religious orders around the world take vows of silence. And why so many moms say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." 

Projection Screens in Church, or A Little Piece of Me Dies

Last Sunday I was invited over to the TerHaars. There was some reason thrown out about something I can't quite recall, but mostly Sandra loves me. (Hi, Sandra! The feeling is mutual! Thanks for the awesome broccoli salad!) After lunch, we gathered around the piano for singing. Because this is what the TerHaars do. (I think I like that even more than the broccoli salad, because I know other people who do the salad thing.)

Anyway, enough TerHaar love for this post. This post is about projection screens in church.

After we were finished singing some Trinity Hymnal favorites, we sang a "praise song." (At my church the distinction between a hymnal song and a praise song is, apparently, whether or not it's in the hymnal.) A discussion ensued about how we were going to get the lyrics into everyone's hands when we sang the song at church. Someone mentioned (ah, here it is!) using the projection screen. We'll be using it at the new building anyway, they reasoned.

I yelled louder about this than I maybe should have in a small room full of people who are mostly not me, but there you have it. I hate projection screens in church. It's not that they don't come in handy sometimes, but they're the bare minimum version of something more substantial.

I am a very tactile person. (Take me through the clothing section of any store and see how many things I touch if you need empirical proof.) And one of the things I hate about projection screens is that they deprive me of the heft of a book in my hands, the feel of the crisp pages, the smell of it. They deprive me of all that goes into sharing a hymnal with somebody who forgot to pick one up for themselves: finding the right height (the person next to me is rarely my height), tilting it at the right angle, and in general sharing the song with someone in a way I don't when I sing from my own solitary hymnal, or (worse) from a screen.

My hands feel so empty without a hymnal. I don't know what to do with them when I'm singing if I don't have one, and often grip the chair back in front of me to keep from breaking into sweeping arm-dance gestures. (The fact that my hymnal or the chair in front of me or the presence of other people is/are sometimes the only things that keep me from dancing during worship is another subject entirely.)

I am not the best sight-reader, musically speaking, but I am getting better. I like to be able to sing the harmonies. Without a hymnal, I would still sing harmony, but it would be a harmony I found by myself. And sometimes it would fall off the harmony wagon.

With all that said, I could live without hymnals. I would be very sad, and it would feel like there was a hole in my heart that would never be mended, but the human heart is like Swiss cheese anyway, so I would live.

But I will take it up with the elders if we have Bible verses onscreen. I don't think the Bible is a book any of us should learn to go without...no matter how convenient that might be.

Things I needed to hear today

"Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" (Luke 11:11-13)

I've been wrestling again with what it means to want things I don't have. Isn't that covetousness? Over and over again, God tells us to ask. But should I ask God for anything besides the Holy Spirit?

"And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.'" (Matthew 26:39)

The fact that Jesus Himself asks for something that doesn't happen is immensely comforting. It means requests aren't denied because of a lack of faith, or because certain hurdles haven't been leapt, or because God doesn't love me that way. It means it's God-glorifying to simultaneously pray for something you strongly desire and lay it at the feet of God in sacrifice. We don't have to be ascetics. As my friend Lisa has told me repeatedly, "We're not Buddhists. It's okay to want things." It's only a matter of which desire is to be master.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me." (2 Corinthians 12:7-8)

I think Satan would be thrilled if I settled into the lie that God is in the business of ambushing me, of setting me up for a fall. If it weren't for the fact that I grew up in a Calvinist denomination that didn't talk much about him, I'd say with greater confidence that I can hear his voice at times (one of two voices calling for the same sheep).

"You can lower your expectations," he says. "Stop wanting the things you're wanting. Isn't it a waste of your time? You'll never be worth them. You're not trying hard enough. Look at all the people around you who've got things figured out. They certainly seem to be content in every circumstance, don't they? They ask for God to remove temptation, and it disappears! They plead for clarity and receive it. Their prayers have greater efficacy. Why do you suppose that is? Suzanne, have you seen yourself? You keep thinking you're trying to follow God, but you end up disappointed again, and again, and again...does God treat His children that way?"

But every time I fall down in disappointment, "Not my will, but yours" comes faster to my mind. (Not easier, exactly. But faster.) Every time people and places and situations and things and my own foolish flesh and heart fail me, I want to be wholly His even more than I did before.

He's good, but He's not safe. And through all of these everyday trials He's making me dangerous, too.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Closed Windows

Despite how hard my mother has tried, I'm not that great at eye contact. Here the top three scenarios that throw me off:

1) Spotting someone walking towards you. You see her. She sees you. You are both thoroughly aware of each other's presence...in fact, painfully so. Do you sustain eye contact, even though that might mean staring at each other for 45 seconds before you're even within proper hollering range? Do you pretend there is something else that has suddenly caught your eye off to the side? Do you look down at your feet as though suddenly afraid that the terrain in, say, your office building is treacherous and takes careful attention to navigate? 

2) Catching somebody's eye while sitting at church. There you are, casually glancing around to see who's there, and you've accidentally snagged eyes with somebody doing the same thing. If you're close friends, you can smile and wave or nod, almost as though you were looking for them. If you don't know them that well or are currently feeling a strain in your relationship or have simply been caught off-guard in the middle of clandestinely perusing a room full of a people when you're "supposed to" be meditating on the service (ahead or in progress, depending on the seriousness of the offense), it's more likely you will break eye contact awkwardly and go back to staring fixedly at your bulletin. (This is where it helps if your church has a large bulletin with lots of coming activity notes or prayer requests. Our church's evening bulletin is a flimsy subterfugeous refuge. Yes, I just adjectivized the word "subterfuge.")

3) Having a one-on-one conversation. This is the most pulse-pounding form of eye contact, and is why my favorite conversations are conducted in cars, on bike rides, or on walks. It is easier for me to talk to you if I don't have to make eye contact with you. Seriously, I love you and everything, but I like my secrets. I've been told I have a very expressive face and I don't want to accidentally say something with my eyes that I didn't want you to know. In small group conversations that vary the eye contact, it's a little better. You can dodge eyes around from person to person fast enough that (hopefully) people don't get any unwelcome glimpses into your soul. However, I still do a lot of staring at random points on the ceiling/floor/wall/etc. when I start talking about important stuff, or when I'm nervous. 

It's not that I don't appreciate everybody's eyes, or realize that making eye contact is respectful and shows interest in the other person and that talking to a person with shifty eyes is both distracting and a little bit disturbing. I do know all of that. I hate when I'm trying to make eye contact with somebody who is studiously avoiding it, so I know I'm a hypocrite on that point.

How about you? How much eye contact can you handle?

Good day, milady!

Today I went to Ren Fest with some Tjapkes friends (Lisa, Tim, Nate, and Tad). "Ren Fest" is what you can call a renaissance fair when you're nerdy enough to have gone to several of them. Kind of like in My Fair Lady when Eliza sings that she will "go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim."

Ren Fest is a splendid opportunity to dress up in costumes, to fake accents, and to wander around talking to people who are a little off-base themselves. We went to the Silver Leaf Renaissance Faire in Kalamazoo, which is the one I've been to most often. It wasn't as large as it has been in previous years, but it was still several hours of fun. 

My favorite part? Staring at the birds that appear in the falconry show. They are all dangerous, but they look so cute and cuddly (I suppose this is true of many things). I am fascinated by birds. I could simply sit staring at them for hours.

I love these broadly theatrical events. I wonder if I would get even further into them if I went alone, or if I would still hang back a bit. (This mirrors a larger question I have sometimes: how much is introversion self-censoring, and how much is personality-driven?) It's rather a moot point, as going alone would be sad and probably not something I would do. I might converse a bit more with strangers, but every two minutes or so I would be thinking about how much I wished one of my friends was there.

After Ren Fest the Tjapkes group and Brittany and I hung out for the evening, and Lisa worked on getting some of the knots out of my back, and we laughed ridiculously hard at all manner of ridiculous comments.

All in all, an enjoyable day.

Turtling Up

I am having a hard time keeping my shoulders down today. Every ten or fifteen minutes I notice that they're pulling up again. I've been at just about chin level a couple of times.

I don't know why this happens, biologically speaking. It's not like I'm more ready to attack the problems in front of me with my shoulders to my ears. My best guess is that it's a subconscious turtling up. Subconsciously, as you feel more and more vulnerable from the pressures of the outside world, you attempt to save your own neck by pulling your shoulders around it.

I like the general principle there. That in tense times it's instinct to save your own neck, and takes conscious thought to relax and take a long view of the situation. (Is my eternal soul in jeopardy if I don't finish entering all these numbers into the spreadsheet? No. Do the people I send the spreadsheet to even look at it anyway? Quite probably not.)

I'm also trying to relax my heart rate and slow my breathing. Those don't seem to be as connected to turtles as the neck bit, so maybe they don't even belong in this post.

Mostly I'm glad it's Friday afternoon.