No matter how much I've wanted to pause a moment like I had today, standing on the bridge over the Calvin Seminary pond and feeling the breeze and beautifully existing in that place, I can't (today, my business-shoe-clad feet started to hurt).
No matter how much I've wanted to fast-forward until I get to the good parts, past all of this uncertainty and fumbling around, I can't. (Over ten years ago, I read an essay in which the author pointed out that if life was like a movie, we'd miss everything but about two hours of it.)
Mostly, though, I don't dwell on the fact that I can't pause or fast-forward my life. Mostly, I want to rewind. I want to rewind so strongly that I almost believe it possible, that I start running scenarios in my mind about how I'm going to do things differently when I get a second chance. But there are no second chances. Not like that. Opportunities pass.
If only I knew then what I know now. I would have made a different choice. If I had known that person cared what I had to say, I wouldn't have said what I did say. If I had thought they cared where I was, I would have been there.
There is plenty of room to delve into my assumptions that sometimes the people in my life don't care what I say or do, but today, thinking about rewinding a recent situation, this thought occurred to me: "Make sure you don't become a source of regret on that front."
Want people to be there? Tell them. Appreciate people? Tell them. Expect people to know something, but they aren't picking up on it? Tell them.
Life is too short to live it passive-aggressively. Tell them.
there is only so much time
that the window is open wide
and then you watch it close
before you could decide
~~ Rachel Zylstra
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