Yesterday, I started thinking: What if I were to die tonight, and when I got to heaven I apologized to God for not using what he gave me, not making the most of my opportunities for life and career advancement?
"Lord, I sat processing spreadsheets and answering telephones for years, and there were many times I failed to treat people as I wanted to be treated, and many times I let myself fall to gossip. Lord, I wore down the same ruts of behavioral patterns over and over, obsessing over things that didn't matter and trying to find my happiness outside of you. Lord, there were so many false starts and rabbit trails in my life and I think I missed your will along the line."
I wondered if maybe the answer would be something like:
"Almost all of those things are true, but they are not the only true things.
"There were times when you apologized to a co-worker for snapping at her, or when you swallowed your bitter words unspoken. There are times you did think before you spoke, or even before you emailed. You hated that obsessing more fully, mourned it more deeply, each time you trod what felt to you like the same ground. Your heart broke a thousand times and you moved from seeking to wound as you had been wounded to seeking to swallow the shards so nobody else would be hurt.
"All of those things you did for me...and the angels sang.
"As for the rabbit trails and false starts...didn't you catch glimpses, even then, that you weren't aiming for a destination, but a person? You didn't miss it. You didn't miss me. Your life didn't fall outside of my will. I had you in my hands the whole time."
What if the grand scheme of things isn't what I think it is? What if I have the little things and the big things reversed?
"On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
'Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.'"
~~ Zephaniah 3:16-17
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