By popular demand...

...of Abby, that is, here is the next installment of Build-Your-Own-Celebrity.

Abigail "insert today's nickname here" Tjapkes was born the third son of the Tjapkes family. At least, so her two older brothers tried to make her believe. As part of her male indoctrination, they tried to cause brain injuries through activities like hockey and sledding. They wouldn't let poor Abby join in any raind--girl-like games. Thus, she grew up without such things as Jump Five, glitter, and large amounts of pink. They are things she does not regret.

I got to know "Abby," as I call her, when she was props mistress for a little show I like to call The Importance of Being Earnest (abridged school-gym version). She also cameoed as the cocktail waitress--unless I mean the character who brings out the tea. We have since worked together in a larger-scale production known as Tim-and-Lisa's wedding.

Abby enjoys watching sports (notably hockey), playing sports (notably ultimate frisbee), and dreaming about sports (notably Michigan players). She is also a fan of the superhero and fantasy genres, with Batman and The Lord of the Rings ranking as favorites.

Abby is tragically afflicted with Celiac disease, a disease which not only makes it impossible for her to be exposed to any gluten product without nasty stomach-wrenching, head-aching consequences, but also makes her predisposed to turning into a seal (under the right conditions, obviously). It is in her alternative guise as a seal that she does most of her own crime-battling work, a work made difficult by the fact that she lives in the suburbs and not near any large bodies of water.

And now for some fanfiction:


It had been a long, hard day for Abby Tjapkes. People who had once called themselves her friends had chased her for hours with a bag of bread crumbs, a flour sifter, and a Jump Five CD.

"If only people would understand," she mused morosely. She cast an angst-ridden gaze out of the window.

Then, she felt it. A crumb. Under her sock. In her left shoe.

"NOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!" she cried. "Not again! Not so soon! Curse you, Pink Baroness!"

A figure clad in sparkly pink leaped from the shadows. It was indeed the Pink Baroness--Abby's arch-enemy; the only enemy who knew her secret identity; and, incidentally, her younger roommate.

"AHH-hahahaHA!" laughed the Pink Baroness. "Not as dumb as you look, are you? But how did you figure it out this time?"

"As if I would tell you," said Abby, the image of the Jump Five CD lingering in her mind.

"Well, drat," said the Pink Baroness.

There was only one thing to do. Well, only two things.

"Look!" said Abby, pointing at a mirror behind the Pink Baroness. "Your hair is out of place!"

"It is NOT!" said the Pink Baroness, but she turned anxiously to the mirror anyway.

Quickly, Abby whistled the secret code, and her sidekick came running.

"Eggplant!" she said. "You know what to do!"

Her sidekick looked at her in confusion, then realized that "Eggplant" must just be the latest random name she had. It was new every few days.

The small blond girl ran to a nearby shelf and pulled out a teaspoonful of salt, which she stirred into a handy glass of water.

"Faster, Eggplant, faster!"

"It's ready!" said Eggplant.

"Do it now, while the Pink Baroness is stuck admiring her own reflection!"

Eggplant tossed the glass of salt water at Abby, and the transformation began--the transformation that so often occurred after gluten exposure--the transformation that had necessitated Abby employ a sidekick to answer phone calls and emails with "sorry, but my stomach/head/kneecap is hurting too much" excuses--the transformation into...SEALYAQ!

Sealyaq, who was constantly being harrassed by people saying her name was too difficult to pronounce, leapt into action, flopping across the floor just as the Pink Baroness turned.

"Selly...sealyy.... Ack!" cried the Pink Baroness. "Why must your name be so confoundedly difficult to pronounce??"

Sealyaq reared up on her back flippers. Eggplant tossed a ball. Sealyaq caught the ball on her nose. She waved a front flipper at the Pink Baroness.

"You...you...." The Pink Baroness sighed. "Awww, man...you know I can't hurt anything cute. I'm going to the mall."

She stormed out of the room, turning only to shout, "And if all my fish are gone again when I come home, I'll know why!"

The door slammed. Eggplant gave Sealyaq a high five on the flipper.

The world was safe once again.