A Place for Dreams

Today a friend from church quoted our pastor: "I'm not going to tell you to follow your dreams, because you are followers of Christ, and you may have to give up your dreams to serve Him."

Now, far be it from me to argue semantics with my pastor (ha! my pastor is the sort who would love to argue semantics with me, or anyone else). But that statement can only be partly true, must only be partly true.

If we're talking, "Suzanne, follow your dream of [insert something Suzanne wants out of this life], and follow it hard, 'cause you deserve it"—clearly that can't be true. But—argh, what am I trying to say....

I think God wants us to dream of Him. That's what I'm trying to say.

I think all the frustrated dreams of my poor pathetic heart are all pointing to Him, all screaming, "Can't you see this earthly thing will not satisfy you like He will," all breaking in my hands like the battered reed. And the greatest frustration of my life is that I keep dreaming of things other than Him, and that hurts me because I want to be so much more than this, so much worthier of Him. I can't be. I can never be worthy of Him. Sometimes I see that for what it is, the amazing measure of His boundless love in granting worthiness to the worthless. But sometimes I really, really just want to be able to bring something to Him. And I know that's me being selfish, and here comes the cycle again.

I want my dreams to be of and for and to Him, always. I want to stop being so consumed with myself and by my own petty interests. I want to escape the shallow longings of this earth and only want what God WANTS me to want. But...does that mean I can't want anything until it's approved by a divine sign? How do I know if what I want is acceptable or if it is an idol? WHERE ARE THE MANUALS FOR THIS????

I don't know what all of that looks like, or what I'm doing here, or if I'm supposed to be doing/thinking/feeling something else and just being as slow as Balaam about it. I guess not being comfortable here can be taken as a good sign, right? Right? Good grief. A hyper-analytical person should not live alone.

Oh, God, I'm so tired of being encased in myself. Show me the things I need to know and lead me to the places I need to be.

A Song

This song has been going through my head almost all morning. Strangely or not, I think it fits how I've been feeling this year pretty well. It's from one of the Fraggle Rock episodes I watched with my parents this weekend (Fraggle Rock being quite possibly the most loved TV show from my childhood), and it is described in the show as "an old Fraggle ballad."

"Here to There"

~~~~~

I'm always here. I'm never there.
I'm never, ever anywhere.
Excepting here, 'cause here is where I'm in.
~
But when I go from here to there,
My here comes with me everywhere,
'Till there is here, and here is where I've been.

World Withdrawal

I've often wanted to start the world's first Protestant abbey. There is something greatly appealing about the idea of sequestering myself away from everything and everyone. Stay away from people, and they/I won't get hurt. Take a vow of silence, and I won't have to make so many apologies.

Then I remember this annoying passage (Luke 6:32-35):

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount.

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men."

So being content when I don't want anything, and trusting God when I know what's going on, and loving people I understand, and not verbally insulting people because I'm not talking to them.... That all turns out to be easy, and hiding away from the confusion and the struggling and the frustration turns out to be escapism.

On the really high plus side, God is kind to ungrateful and evil people. This is extremely consoling. Because without His kindness, our pathetic attempts would just remain pathetic attempts. With it, He gives us the unbelievable kindness of letting some people see Him when they look at us instead of seeing how completely flawed we are on our own.

"In the world, but not of the world." Hard to put into practice, but well worth practicing.

The Order of Things

I was realizing recently that I check blogs in a particular way. I don't just go straight down my Favorites list. I mix it up, usually starting with the least likely to be updated and moving to the most likely. I think that says something about me as a person. As does the fact that I have seriously considered re-ordering my Favorites list so that I can go straight down. And the fact that I just re-ordered the list so that the Calvin blogs I check are all grouped together, and the blogs from my church friends are all grouped together. Maybe what it says about me is: "Working at a library for three years as a teenager proves to be a formative experience."

Virtual Hanging Out

As Karl first pointed out, being part of the blogosphere feels like hanging out with people I don't get to see often. It can feel like alienation from people I see every week, under the "right" circumstances, but it is definitely a sort of connection with the people I don't see every week. Which would include most of the people who read this blog.

A long, long time ago in a home far, far away (or so it seems), my father and I were having a pre-college discussion. He said that the next four years would be some of the best and most memorable years in my life, and that I would form connections with the people I met there that would be different from any other connections I would ever form in my life because of 4 years of shared environment and experience. (At the time, of course, I rather thought he was just trying to cheer me up.)

I enjoy having a medium like the internet to keep the connections from existing solely in memory.

Or in more casual terms....

It's been fun hanging out with all of you recently.

Torn

It is difficult to be human, bound to a single place and a single time, when you wish to be in many places at once and to have all the time you want in which to be there.

I like working with my church youth group. I feel I should be working with my church youth group. And there is the (selfish?) side of me that enjoys being enjoyed, that enjoys the sort of popularity of youth leadership.

I also like my friends, and many of them gather in groups on Sunday nights when college group isn't meeting.

*sigh*

I am human. Now I am bound even as I am torn. Someday I won't have to choose from the things I love--they will all be in one place, with one purpose.

The tricky bit is finding the way to live in the meanwhile.

Virtually Friends

I now have 12 blogs I check regularly. Crazy. I'm sure some of you check more than that.

I enjoy reading all of these blogs, but I wonder if all of this blogging really makes us closer. I know that it has in the past actually made me feel alienated--as though people were reading about my life and never feeling a need to enter into it.

Don't assume you know what is going on in someone's life because you are reading their blog. Writing is not called a craft for nothing.

Alligator Shoes

I remember the alligator shoes

and the kid in pink and blue

and Mr. Johnson's hair was terribly messy

and the boy across the aisle

winked at me when I flashed my best smile

you know he dresses so classy

The above is the chorus from a song I used to listen to as a kid. I was thinking about it today because it is still sadly true that it is ridiculously easy for me to get distracted during a worship service. I am distracted by thoughts of the past and by thoughts of the future. I am distracted by plans for lunch and mental lists of chores. I am distracted by wondering if I am forcing myself into some artificial "worship state." This morning I was most distracted by people sitting next to me, behind me, and several rows back. Just their presence in the space was distracting.

Corporate worship would be easier without the "corporate" part of it. If corporate worship meant each person entering their own isolated Worship Box, it would be less distracting.

It also would be less, far less, of what God means it to be. If we can't worship God without worrying about what our neighbors around us think of us or of how we worship, then how can we worship in Christian unity? How can we be the Body of Christ and be segmented by divisive thoughts even as we gather to worship God?

Worship is hard work. It takes a lot of concentration, and a lot of meditation, and a lot of heart preparation. And I am glad for a mediator Who intercepts my prayers, my songs, and my thoughts--from the days when I am disoriented and confused as well as from the days when I am prepared--and presents them all as perfect before God.

When it comes down to it, we are the unified Body of Christ because of Christ Himself. We are free to worship because the Holy Spirit within us gives us the desire to worship.

It is a liberating truth. And a focusing one.