Small problems or big God

When I'm feeling down about my life, when I'm missing people or losing my grip or feeling like I'm about to explode, I tell myself that I have no good reason for any of those things. My problems are small. Most often I am missing people because they are moving on in happy ways for them, and it's selfish to want them to keep coming back for me if we're on different paths. I am losing my grip because my faith is weak, and I can't see the forest for the trees. I am feeling about to explode because I am shallow and petty and out of control.

Other people have family members die or leave them (oh, and the only grieving that counts is grieving for a husband, a sister, a daughter, a mother...granddaughters and cousins and nieces don't have grief worth speaking of). Other people have cancer or heart disease or chronic pain from celiac or chronic fatigue syndrome or any number of things. Other people have lost their jobs, and they have large families to support so they really need jobs.

I've framed it as a question of perspective, and it is. But last night it occurred to me that it isn't perspective in the way I've framed it, the perspective of my problems vs. those of other people. It's my problems vs. God.

Is God really so small that He only has time for 'big' problems? Is He running around up in heaven barely able to handle all the cancer patients and unemployed fathers and grieving widows? Or does He know and care when a sparrow lands, and promise His children are worth far more to Him than birds?

On February 26, I took my car in for routine maintenance and heard that I needed more extensive repairs than I'd planned for. A lot more expensive. I was feeling very, very sorry for myself, and very poor. And then the next day I received an anonymous gift of money in the mail, with a note that said the sender had been feeling for several days as though this was something that God wanted done. And then my co-worker's brother-in-law looked at the car and said he could fix it for about 50% less than the original quote, and found a transmission fluid leak while he was at it that was caused by the way the routine maintenance was done and could have caused much greater damage if left undetected. And then I had to rely on other people for rides and got to spend quality time with them because of it and got to peek under the dark edge of my independence.

I don't know what is happening tomorrow. I barely know what is happening today. I can't see more than half a step ahead of me, and I hate that, but even through tears I know it's so good for me, because all I can do is hold my Father's hand tight, and look behind me, and see the points of illumination like the one burning around the recent service needs of my car, of all things.

Even though I can't see the path ahead, I know I walk in the light of the God who is there. And all problems, whatever their size, might turn to blazes of glory in the blink of an eye.