Internet Friends and Other Methods of Classification

One of my friends is very up front about the fact that he classifies his friends. He will tell you to your face that you are a level 4 friend, or whatever. I'm not sure how solid the classification methodology is, and actually "methodology" might be a strong word considering the source, but the basic principle is there.

At a conference I attended a few years back, there was an exercise in which we moved from one person to the next in line and voted them on what was essentially a scale of 1-4, with 1 being equivalent to "I don't even want to talk to you" and 4 being more like "I want to be best friends." Considering we were doing this publicly, everybody was voting other people in at 3s or 4s, but meanwhile the conference leader was saying, "This is what you do every day."

I hate this. I hate being classified on a friendship ladder. I hate that we can't all just be friends. What I hate most is that the conference leader was right. We're ascending and descending relationship ladders all our lives. And I have classifications, too. They're just not numerical because one of my most constant relationships is my uneasy relationship with numbers. 

I don't rush into friendships, and my hesitance comes through verbally. Words are important, and I don't throw around the word "friend" about everyone I ever meet. The progression goes something like this. 

The Pre-Friend

When this person comes up in conversation, she is referred to as "someone I know" or maybe, if she's hovering on friend status, "an acquaintance of mine." Generally I haven't known her long, or maybe have known her but not spent much quality time with her. Sometimes I use this phrase because I'm not interested in knowing her any more and am cutting off friend potential, but usually there is a good chance of upward mobility. After all, to refer to her as "someone I know" means I'm talking about her when she's not around, and usually that involves some friend interest.

The Qualified Friend

This is the most basic level of friendship. This is where the word "friend" first comes into play, and there may be a few gradations in the qualification. For example, Jen started out as "Lisa's friend Jen," then became "my book club friend Jen," and then finally graduated all the way to "my friend Jen." If you only interact with somebody in one arena of your life, that person is a qualified friend.

The Internet Friend

This isn't a level of progression, but it's such a specialized form of qualified friend that it needed its own heading. There are two main types of internet friend. The Solely Internet Friend is easy to deal with. Problems may arise, however, with the Primarily Internet Friend, who is a person you see in real life. A Primarily Internet Friend is often confused with a real life friend of some other category. You may have friends you talk to via the internet who do not fall into either of these categories, in which case the internet is a tool to further your relationship, not the main vehicle for the relationship. I repeat, do not be confused into thinking that because you talk a lot online you must necessarily be A-List friends (we'll get to this one). You may really just be casual friends.

The Casual Friend

Otherwise known as the "Oh, there you are" or "While you're here" friend, the casual friend is somebody who is fun to hang out with when she's right in front of your face, but not somebody you'd go out of your way to hang out with. You do not make plans with casual friends, unless they're of the sweeping group invitation variety. If a casual friend invites you somewhere, you ask who else is going to be there before you make your decision. You would never go just to see this person, but she's okay in crowds.

The Fallback Friend

Sometimes your A-List friends (almost there) are busy, but you are still feeling social. The fallback friend is someone you hang out with at these times. You like them, they just haven't made it all the way into the A-List. This could be a transitional stage or one that you end up staying in, whether because of a disparity in social circles or because your paths don't cross naturally all that often. Again, you like these people, they just wouldn't be the first ones you call if something big and important happened in your life.

The A-List Friend

These are the friends you have standing plans with, the ones you see every week and start missing if it's been longer, the ones you could spend time with four or five evenings in a row and still feel ready to say "yes" if they ask you to do something tomorrow night, too. You've seen each other at your best and worst times and love each other through all of them. You can talk about everything or nothing. You can sit companionably without needing to talk, because you don't need to fill an uncomfortable silence if silence isn't uncomfortable. You can disagree (sometimes passionately) and then be joking around the next minute. These are the people who encourage you the most.

The Trump Card Friend

If an A-List friend moves away, she becomes a Trump Card friend, a friend you would rearrange plans for if she were to suddenly be in your neighborhood. Generally Trump Card friends don't mix well with other friends without concerted effort, because there is a lot of history there that is hard to translate for people who haven't known you as long or in the same ways.

Like I said, people move up and down the friendship ladder. It's not always solid. I wish any two participants in a friendship were always on the same rung. I wish I never lost contact with anyone I ever cared about. I wish I had time to be friends at a deep level with all of the people I've met who I feel a spark of friendship with...I can think of so many people right now who I enjoy very much but don't spend much time with at all. I'm grateful for the time we had and the time we have.

One of the things I'm looking forward to about heaven is having an infinite amount of time to become friends (or better friends) with people. I guess I don't know if that's really a part of heaven, but from all the "one anothers" of Scripture it seems it would be God-glorifying to sit down and share the stories of our lives with each other. As a matter of fact, I think it already is.

I'm grateful for all of you who have shared your lives with me. No matter what friend ranks we attained.