Advice from a Shopping Champion

I don't like shopping, in general. I don't like to spend a lot of time in stores, and I don't like to spend money in them if I can avoid it. I used to get really fidgety in stores when I was younger, waiting for my mom (who is something of a browser) to get on with it. Once, when my dad and I had taken part of the list and headed off on our own, he said: "There are hunters, and there are gatherers. Your mom is a gatherer."

Suddenly I wasn't fidgety just because I was bored. I was a hunter. 

I have developed a fondness for grocery shopping since then. Every trip is a reconnaissance mission, a personal challenge. Grocery shopping has become a personal competition. I'm not much good at racing or volleyball or games involving any kind of math, but I win grocery shopping almost every time I compete. (And yes, you can compete with yourself. I do it all the time.)

Below are the main criteria of a winning shopping trip.

1) Speed: The most important factor. The goal is to get out as quickly as possible. You don't want to stay in that store any longer than necessary.

2) Planning: Stick to your list. You lose extra points for deviating for luxury items like ice cream (which is okay if it is on the list), but you lose points even for something like "milk" that you "just forgot" to write on the list. "Just forgot"?? What do you not understand about reconnaissance?

3) Costs: Meijer receipts have little asterisks next to all of the items on sale. The goal is that these asterisks would appear by every item on your list. (Bonus points if you have coupons for things on sale, especially if you're strategic and buy exactly as many sale items as the coupon covers and no more.)

4) Efficiency: Start at the back of the store and work your way to the front. Points will be lost for every aisle you go down unnecessarily. Extra points lost any time you have to double back.

Perhaps some of you have recently found out that you are hunters. Perhaps some of you are seasoned hunters looking for ways to hone your technique. Perhaps some of you are gatherers just trying to get in on the game. Never fear. I have some helpful hints for you in your quest for the Grocery Gold Medal.

1) Weekly ads: Whether in your newspaper or online, these will tell you what's on sale before you get to the store. This is the most helpful way to build your list.

2) Getting in the zone: If outside distractions like too many people start throwing you off, funny-looking "framing" or "wizard" hand gestures will not only help you re-focus, they will signal to all other shoppers that you are to be avoided.

3) Rapid visual scanning: If you have played video games, you should have this down already, but this means taking in labels and packaging and such without lingering. If Frosted Flakes aren't on your grocery list, it does not matter to you what the giveaway is. Do not be sidetracked.

4) Comfortable shoes and socks: My mom told me not to post the cautionary tale that follows, as people might think I don't know how to dress myself. But I will not let pride stand in the way of improving the shopping experience for the dozens of people who may read this. Last Thursday night, I went shopping in work shoes and socks. My work shoes are less fitted than my athletic shoes, and most of my work socks tend to lose all elasticity as soon as I put them on, which means my socks are constantly trying to slide down into my shoes even when I'm walking around the office. It gets worse when I'm hustling around a store. (For those of you wondering why I don't just buy new socks, please go back and read the first two sentences of this post.) The lesson in this story: wear comfy shoes and socks so you can move more rapidly with less distraction.

There you have it, folks. The secrets of my shopping success. Use them wisely and well.