"I am today." -- Jarod

Since I needed to submit a headshot for the program for the play this October, and since Brittany is an excellent photographer, last night I went downtown and met up with her for a photo shoot. First we toured her office, located in an impressive brick building with a security guard and elevators and real wood finishes and giant open lobby-ish areas on each floor. Her office is full of books and nerds, which is excellent. Currently she works in an actual office with an actual door, and she dresses professionally, and altogether looks the part of a woman with a fulfilling career.

She introduced me to one of her co-workers as "my friend Suzanne...she's a playwright." I immediately felt like I was trying to pull some kind of con. I mean, honestly. Writing one play is just a fluke, right? There I was, trying to dress the role and seem like I knew what I was doing, but really I was so unprofessional and non-nonchalant abou this that I had been flipping out with excitement when I heard the news that my little play was selected.

When I arrived home that evening, I finished writing up my publicity homework. It took an excruciatingly long amount of time, mostly because I'm so conflicted when it comes to publicity work. I'm good at it, and it can be fun, but it can also feel too much like lying. And while it can be hard to write about other people or things, it's even harder to write about myself. (I've long confused self-deprecation for humilty and I am still trying to figure out what the latter really looks like.)

With all that said, today I'm thinking about image, and how we present ourselves to others. We tweak ourselves to fit different audiences. We try to make people like us. I've done more than my share of changing to fit an audience, and I always end up frustrated that I wasn't good enough for them in my normal state. I won't always be young. My face will wrinkle and (if heredity is anything to go by) my joints will weaken. I can't always be exciting, or funny, or intellectually stimulating, and it's tiring to try, to feel like people will only talk to you if you measure up to some invisible standard and will drop you as soon as someone more interesting comes along. 

I want to be truthful. It's so hard to be completely truthful, but I think it's even harder not to be, in the long run. I want to explore what it means to be all things to all men in a sincere way, like Paul did, not through manipulative self-marketing ploys but in finding the means to live contented. I want to let myself change for the better and to expect that the same thing is happening in other people. I want to allow plenty of space for pretending, but none for pretense. 

So am I a playwright? 

I am today.