No matter how many times I am shown grace, I have difficulty really believing in it. I do really stupid things, and intentionally mean things, and just plain careless things. I make promises too swiftly, then break them. I condemn people for being rude to me on the phone. I speak first and think later. I obsess over my own problems. (Count the "I's" in this paragraph alone.)
Maybe (maybe) God won't cut me off, but that's because he's God. Your parents aren't allowed to disown you, and God is the greater father, so...he CAN'T cut you off, right? But friends, and co-workers, and strangers? Those people can turn on you in a second, and be completely justified in doing so.
"If I were You-Know-Who," muses Luna Lovegood of the arch-villain in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, "I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. 'Cause if it's just you alone, you're not as much of a threat."
Which just reminds me that Satan doesn't believe in an overcoming grace, either.
It's hatefully messy here, horribly easy to hurt and to be hurt. But can we really love without diving into the mess? Can we really love when we focus our attention so intently on our failures that they seem insurmountable? Can we really love without believing in grace?
The list of reasons I have to despise myself is long, but God is at work, granting patience, forbearance, perspective, and wisdom. God shows me a grace that is greater than all my sins...and I have often seen that grace manifested through people I have wronged, intentionally and unintentionally. Because God is not only at work in me.
I believe in grace. Lord, help my unbelief.
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1 comment:
This post brought tears to my eyes! Where would any of us be without the grace of God? His pitiful compassion? I am so unlike Him that it is shameful. I was recently with a bunch of people who I found disgusting in almost every way (NOT my family!!) ... but was rebuked by the LORD, because He loves them no less than He loves the people I actually like! I want to, I need to be like Him ...
You are a wonderful writer, dear!
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