G.O.A.T. (or, Wedding Weekend Post #1)

(Oh, so much to post from last weekend! I decided to do it in installments instead of cramming everything into one post, so they'll be trickling through.)

I was feeling mopey on my way to my parents' house on Tuesday afternoon. My little brother would be getting married in a few days. I was nowhere close to getting married. Because nobody ever liked me. Because I wasn't as whatever as the other girls who got married. Whine, whine; angst, angst.

Way back when I was a kid I heard that humility was a virtue and I translated humility as "putting yourself down so nobody thinks you're good at anything." (I've said it before and I'll say it again: kids might not be hearing what you are actually trying to say.) For the past two decades or so I've tried the self-deprecating route. It's never made me feel better, and it's left me kind of confused. I think it's because you get confused when you lie to yourself.

Because, as I was singing along to my music and dancing in my car and in general being ridiculous, I felt a smile come onto my face and this little voice said, "Who are you kidding? You think you're amazing."

Let's be honest. I'm not dealing with a lack of self-esteem. I'm dealing with a perceived deficit in how much other people esteem me, because I think they should be crazy about me. Because I have mad writing skills and a quick wit and an intellect to rival the Sicilian's and a penchant for random references and nerd pride and, and, and...and I enjoy that. All of that.

Am I perfect? No. (Duh. Raise your hand if you've met somebody who's perfect and I'll raise my hand if I spot any liars.) But the Holy Spirit is working in me towards that goal. Do I want to turn from self-deprecation to wallow in utter conceit, or use "it's who I am" as a shield of pride to ward off needed changes? No. But I don't want to be somebody else. I do want to make the most of who I am. To dig down to the core of the uniqueness that is me and shine it up to the glory of God, who made each one of us unique. Each one of us has something a little different to bring, and I want to bring what I have.

In thinking about how people might not like me for whatever reason, I realized that I'm not even really mopey about that. Mostly I'm just frustrated when other people don't show a willingness to fight to love me like I fight to love them (not that it's always a fight, but sometimes it is).

As for how all that relates to the bit about me not being married, well.... 

They had a bouquet toss at the wedding reception. My cousin and I got up and stood in the back. When we returned to our seats, our grandmother joked, "You didn't even try!" 

I replied, "I have self-respect. I don't jump for flowers...somebody needs to come and hand them to me." 

Granted, I'm probably very intimidating to anybody interested in trying. 

I enjoy that bit, too.