My Shtick (or part of it, anyway)

I am hyper-concerned about image and I hate it. It is a constant struggle for me to place God at the center of my striving and let people feel the outpourings of that love that I want to surpass all other loves, especially the self-love that comes so easily.

Crazy example? Okay.

Tonight we auditioned a bunch of youth group kids for roles in the annual fundraising banquet. One of the roles was "the ugly girl." And I got my back up because I'm very sensitive about ugly girls. I don't think we should be so concerned about image. Why? Partly because, as mentioned, I'm hyper-concerned about image, and when people talk about physical appearance a lot I feel all shrivelly and gross. (This is not a bid for compliments on my appearance, it's a confession of self-idolatry, which is the most insatiable form I've ever encountered.)

And then I have to be at least twice as funny to make up for my perceived lack of gorgeousness. Which is good because "funny" is one of the power plays I have down so people will like me. In my interview for church membership, I was hilarious.

Am I always funny to make people like me? I hope not. I hope that more and more often I'm simply exercising a gift to bring enjoyment to self and others. Do I actually think I'm ugly? Parts of me, sometimes, and certainly not as infrequently as I should. (Oh, but sometimes I think I'm all that and then some.)

Seriously? I am a ridiculous human being. I think we probably all have this part in common. My goal is to be a more and more sincere human being...and that includes being sincere about my ridiculous bits. 

Someday all of me--physical appearance and humor and skill sets and all--all of me will be focused on the right things, the right Person, and then it will bring joy to others and to me in ways I can't even imagine now.

Today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and until that someday--I fight.