...that you can be thoroughly absorbed in feeding every wretched sensation and indulging every evil impulse you have, knowing full well that you'll regret it the next day if not sooner, and yet you just keep going? And go ahead and change all those pronouns to "I," because of course that's where I'm really going with this.
Is getting to feel so bloody sorry for myself ever worth the morning after? No. Do I resent that? Yes.
*sigh*
(I believe eternal life is a free gift from God, but I don't want to get to heaven and have anybody surprised to see me there. "You were a Christian all this time? For real? It was so hard to tell....")
Over the past year or so it seems I've lost an awful lot of certainty. This is good in that a lot of arrogance was simmering (and sometimes boiling) in that certainty. But it's kind of scary, too. My opinions seem, mostly, either unimportant outside of myself or Viciously Important. My motivations barely ever seem as pure as I used to think they were. I act with at least three or four different levels of intention, and what's that about?
I've been thinking that this is a new phase that will last forever, but really that is probably a ridiculous idea. Maybe what this is instead is a time of getting used to seeing in a new way, being freed from many a fancy and many a foolish notion.
Or as Burns was getting at, before you can de-louse, you have to know the lice are there.
1 comment:
Pastor said in a sermon once that sanctification isn't necessarily becoming more holy (i.e. sinning less), but becoming more aware of how sinful you are and how gracious God is. If that's true, it sounds like you're growing a lot.
I for one will not be surprised to see you in heaven. Hopefully, it will only be a few years since I've seen you last, but I'm sure we'll still have a lot to talk about -- you know, when we're not singing around the throne and things like that.
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