A Place for Dreams

Today a friend from church quoted our pastor: "I'm not going to tell you to follow your dreams, because you are followers of Christ, and you may have to give up your dreams to serve Him."

Now, far be it from me to argue semantics with my pastor (ha! my pastor is the sort who would love to argue semantics with me, or anyone else). But that statement can only be partly true, must only be partly true.

If we're talking, "Suzanne, follow your dream of [insert something Suzanne wants out of this life], and follow it hard, 'cause you deserve it"—clearly that can't be true. But—argh, what am I trying to say....

I think God wants us to dream of Him. That's what I'm trying to say.

I think all the frustrated dreams of my poor pathetic heart are all pointing to Him, all screaming, "Can't you see this earthly thing will not satisfy you like He will," all breaking in my hands like the battered reed. And the greatest frustration of my life is that I keep dreaming of things other than Him, and that hurts me because I want to be so much more than this, so much worthier of Him. I can't be. I can never be worthy of Him. Sometimes I see that for what it is, the amazing measure of His boundless love in granting worthiness to the worthless. But sometimes I really, really just want to be able to bring something to Him. And I know that's me being selfish, and here comes the cycle again.

I want my dreams to be of and for and to Him, always. I want to stop being so consumed with myself and by my own petty interests. I want to escape the shallow longings of this earth and only want what God WANTS me to want. But...does that mean I can't want anything until it's approved by a divine sign? How do I know if what I want is acceptable or if it is an idol? WHERE ARE THE MANUALS FOR THIS????

I don't know what all of that looks like, or what I'm doing here, or if I'm supposed to be doing/thinking/feeling something else and just being as slow as Balaam about it. I guess not being comfortable here can be taken as a good sign, right? Right? Good grief. A hyper-analytical person should not live alone.

Oh, God, I'm so tired of being encased in myself. Show me the things I need to know and lead me to the places I need to be.