...that you can be thoroughly absorbed in feeding every wretched sensation and indulging every evil impulse you have, knowing full well that you'll regret it the next day if not sooner, and yet you just keep going? And go ahead and change all those pronouns to "I," because of course that's where I'm really going with this.
Is getting to feel so bloody sorry for myself ever worth the morning after? No. Do I resent that? Yes.
*sigh*
(I believe eternal life is a free gift from God, but I don't want to get to heaven and have anybody surprised to see me there. "You were a Christian all this time? For real? It was so hard to tell....")
Over the past year or so it seems I've lost an awful lot of certainty. This is good in that a lot of arrogance was simmering (and sometimes boiling) in that certainty. But it's kind of scary, too. My opinions seem, mostly, either unimportant outside of myself or Viciously Important. My motivations barely ever seem as pure as I used to think they were. I act with at least three or four different levels of intention, and what's that about?
I've been thinking that this is a new phase that will last forever, but really that is probably a ridiculous idea. Maybe what this is instead is a time of getting used to seeing in a new way, being freed from many a fancy and many a foolish notion.
Or as Burns was getting at, before you can de-louse, you have to know the lice are there.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Self-sufficiency
Saturday I got an email about weird activity on a credit card. Since I did in fact have weird activity on that card, and since I have been increasingly frustrated with a number of things, and since I wasn't thinking, I clicked the link and GAVE OUT MY PERSONAL INFORMATION. Contact info, Social Security number...great. I'm an idiot. How many times have I warned people about telltale signs, and I fell for this like a total internet newbie. At least I wised up before they got my credit card number, too.
I found a list of recommended actions to take after you give out personal information, and it's long. So it can join my many other long lists of Things That Need Doing.
I am so sick of taking care of myself. I want a break. I want to go back to when my parents handled everything. I feel like the only person looking out for me is me, and I know that isn't true, which hasn't yet been making it feel better. And then there's the superstitious part of me that thinks that God is going to have my identity stolen to prove a point because I have been so unforgivably self-sufficient. And then there's the part of me that is still really, really fighting to take care of myself, because I don't trust anybody else to do it properly.
Clearly I can't do it properly either. Great.
I found a list of recommended actions to take after you give out personal information, and it's long. So it can join my many other long lists of Things That Need Doing.
I am so sick of taking care of myself. I want a break. I want to go back to when my parents handled everything. I feel like the only person looking out for me is me, and I know that isn't true, which hasn't yet been making it feel better. And then there's the superstitious part of me that thinks that God is going to have my identity stolen to prove a point because I have been so unforgivably self-sufficient. And then there's the part of me that is still really, really fighting to take care of myself, because I don't trust anybody else to do it properly.
Clearly I can't do it properly either. Great.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Finger Length Predicts SAT Performance
According to an article I found on Yahoo! News, having a ring finger that is longer than your index finger (or at least long compared to your index finger) indicated a higher exposure to testosterone in the womb. It is also supposed to indicate that you have good mathematical and spatial skills.
Naturally, since reading this article I've been staring at my hands for an inordinate amount of time. My ring and index fingers are just about level with each other. BUT a careful measurement with my tape measure (something I just thought of now) shows that my ring fingers are 1/16" longer than my index fingers.
Observation 1: Why, then, do I stare at stare at restaurant receipts for several minutes before finally coming up with the right amount for a tip?
Observation 2: On the other hand, this may explain a lot....
Observation 3: “Uh! I have more testosterone than estrogen!” -- Rachel Gesch, fall 1999
Naturally, since reading this article I've been staring at my hands for an inordinate amount of time. My ring and index fingers are just about level with each other. BUT a careful measurement with my tape measure (something I just thought of now) shows that my ring fingers are 1/16" longer than my index fingers.
Observation 1: Why, then, do I stare at stare at restaurant receipts for several minutes before finally coming up with the right amount for a tip?
Observation 2: On the other hand, this may explain a lot....
Observation 3: “Uh! I have more testosterone than estrogen!” -- Rachel Gesch, fall 1999
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
New every morning
Tonight it struck me how beautiful it is that "great is thy faithfulness" comes right in the middle of a book called Lamentations.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Snags and Reminders
I was very proud of myself this week. There I was, booking car, plane, train, and hotel reservations, making definite progress on this Europe trip. Then Saturday came and I found out I had gone over my credit limit. In my head, my credit card had a large enough limit to handle the costs of my trip. And it does. However, I have been booking trains and hotels for several people. That makes a difference.
First response: horror, even worse than the horror of being late returning a library book. Second response: panic--my entire trip was going to fall through, and the reservations I'd placed were all worthless, and we'd have to book new hotels at higher prices, and everybody was going to be so mad at me. Third response: Suzanne, you're supposed to have it more together than this!
Tonight at church the guest pastor preached on our weaknesses, and how God makes use of them to broadcast His strengths to us and to the watching world. I was sitting there, half paying attention and half trying to solve all the Europe problems in my head, and suddenly I thought: "Control freak."
Blast.
That one again.
Nowhere in all of yesterday's reactions to the news of the credit problem did I stop to pray about it. I mean, really. Pray about hotel reservations? Come on. God has bigger problems. This is one of those things I can handle this on my own. What does He even care?
The part of me that acknowledges that I'm not quite as independent as I act most times knows that He does care, even about relatively minor things. And this is relatively minor. This is not a scenario in which someone died (or even could have died) because I didn't do math properly.
So there's a wrench in my plans, and tomorrow I'm going to be working on getting it out. And on remembering that from an ultimate perspective, they're not really my plans, anyway.
First response: horror, even worse than the horror of being late returning a library book. Second response: panic--my entire trip was going to fall through, and the reservations I'd placed were all worthless, and we'd have to book new hotels at higher prices, and everybody was going to be so mad at me. Third response: Suzanne, you're supposed to have it more together than this!
Tonight at church the guest pastor preached on our weaknesses, and how God makes use of them to broadcast His strengths to us and to the watching world. I was sitting there, half paying attention and half trying to solve all the Europe problems in my head, and suddenly I thought: "Control freak."
Blast.
That one again.
Nowhere in all of yesterday's reactions to the news of the credit problem did I stop to pray about it. I mean, really. Pray about hotel reservations? Come on. God has bigger problems. This is one of those things I can handle this on my own. What does He even care?
The part of me that acknowledges that I'm not quite as independent as I act most times knows that He does care, even about relatively minor things. And this is relatively minor. This is not a scenario in which someone died (or even could have died) because I didn't do math properly.
So there's a wrench in my plans, and tomorrow I'm going to be working on getting it out. And on remembering that from an ultimate perspective, they're not really my plans, anyway.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Because I was curious about any other quiz trends....
And apparently there are none in Lost....
You are Jack. You are compassionate, heroic, and a bit of a martyr. You are brave and a natural leader. However, you shouldn't keep so much bottled up inside. You are so busy taking care of others that you have no time or energy to take care of yourself. Take a load off once in a while and play some golf with Hurley. You need to relax pretty soon or else you'll be no good for anyone anymore - including yourself!
Your polar opposite is: Shannon. You are similar to: Boone and Sayid.
The Which Lost Character Are You Test
Your results:
You are Mr. Eko
Click here to take the Lost Personality Quiz
What Lost Character Are You?
You are Jack!You are a kind and considerate soul, and always put others before you. Maybe you need to take some time out from helping others, andinstead help yourself.
Take this quiz!
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Which Lost Character are you?
Your Score: Jack
You scored 58% kindness, 45% courage, 28% seedy past, and 48% secretiveness!
"We're not savages, Kate. Not yet."
You are Jack. You are compassionate, heroic, and a bit of a martyr. You are brave and a natural leader. However, you shouldn't keep so much bottled up inside. You are so busy taking care of others that you have no time or energy to take care of yourself. Take a load off once in a while and play some golf with Hurley. You need to relax pretty soon or else you'll be no good for anyone anymore - including yourself!
Your polar opposite is: Shannon. You are similar to: Boone and Sayid.
The Which Lost Character Are You Test
Your results:
You are Mr. Eko
| You are neither a leader nor a follower. You are a Bible reader and are motivated by God's will. Many people have respect for you. |
Click here to take the Lost Personality Quiz
 | You scored as Sawyer. You are Sawyer. Your raw sarcasm amuses everyone. You are rebellious and may even be onsidered a loner because of it. Your biggest mistake in life has been conforming to the ways of someone you despise.
Which "Lost" Character Personality are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
What Lost Character Are You?
You are Jack!You are a kind and considerate soul, and always put others before you. Maybe you need to take some time out from helping others, andinstead help yourself.
Take this quiz!
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Join
Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code
 | You scored as Kate. You are Kate! Even with your spotty past of bank robbery and trouble you are a known as a nice girl who loves adventure. You are one of the guys and will always volunteer to go exploring.
Which Lost Character Are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
Which Lost Character are you?
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
And because quizzes are addictive....
| You Are 20% Girly |
 And for you, that's probably the ultimate compliment. |
Survey says....
"You are a Hermione at heart! You are obviously smart and sophisticated...but you tend to get a little annoying at times. I would put down the books for a little while and get out more!"
-- The Ultimate Harry Potter Character Quiz
-- Which HP Kid Are You?
-- Who Are You in the Harry Potter or Hogwarts Universe?
-- Harry Potter Personality Test
-- Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
I fear that perhaps I am going to drive my fellow European travellers nutters before we even meet up.
-- The Ultimate Harry Potter Character Quiz
-- Which HP Kid Are You?
-- Who Are You in the Harry Potter or Hogwarts Universe?
-- Harry Potter Personality Test
-- Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
I fear that perhaps I am going to drive my fellow European travellers nutters before we even meet up.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
God helps those who can't help themselves
Yesterday afternoon I received a message with a strange injunction: "Allow the God-appointed powers time to do their work." Where such a message could easily have been followed up with a call to action, this was a call to prayer, which is a call to recognize that our actions are not, in and of themselves, of ultimate significance.
There is a part of me that hates that. It's the part of me that wants to be in control, that doesn't think God knows what He's up to, that wonders how much good my pathetic little prayers could accomplish, or that wonders why my exquisitely worded prayers don't accomplish more.
I listened to the other part of me as I turned my energies towards prayer today, the part of me astounded and humbled and excited about the notion of God-ordained powers. Prayer is numbered among the God-ordained powers. Whether they are long or short, whether they flow swiftly or drag along torturously, whether or not the vocabulary is formal, they all go through the same person, who has become the holy veil for us, simultaneously mediating for us and ushering us into the presence of God.
My prayers, joined with those of hundreds of others, have been heard. Good has come out of an evil situation. Also, things went really well at my office today. I don't think this is a coincidence.
The part of me that hates to be subservient to another rushes to find "scientific explanations" for all of these things. To get me off the hook from praying, I guess, under the guise of keeping myself humble. But a deeper part of me knows that God is working in the world. That somehow, as Charlotte Brontë wrote, "God, who does the work, ordains the instrument." And that out of His mercy, God has appointed me to join His orchestra.
There is a part of me that hates that. It's the part of me that wants to be in control, that doesn't think God knows what He's up to, that wonders how much good my pathetic little prayers could accomplish, or that wonders why my exquisitely worded prayers don't accomplish more.
I listened to the other part of me as I turned my energies towards prayer today, the part of me astounded and humbled and excited about the notion of God-ordained powers. Prayer is numbered among the God-ordained powers. Whether they are long or short, whether they flow swiftly or drag along torturously, whether or not the vocabulary is formal, they all go through the same person, who has become the holy veil for us, simultaneously mediating for us and ushering us into the presence of God.
My prayers, joined with those of hundreds of others, have been heard. Good has come out of an evil situation. Also, things went really well at my office today. I don't think this is a coincidence.
The part of me that hates to be subservient to another rushes to find "scientific explanations" for all of these things. To get me off the hook from praying, I guess, under the guise of keeping myself humble. But a deeper part of me knows that God is working in the world. That somehow, as Charlotte Brontë wrote, "God, who does the work, ordains the instrument." And that out of His mercy, God has appointed me to join His orchestra.
Bless the Lord, o my soul,
and all that is within me
bless His holy name.
He has done great things.
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